What women really want: Alex Hospedales

"What do women really want?"

It is a question as old as time – probably from the moment Eve was said to have picked that fruit in the Garden of Eden. Men and women alike continue to seek ways of exploring this, taking into consideration the differences based on culture and personal preferences. This series seeks to explore the topic of what women want for themselves, what they expect from themselves, other women, men and how they want to show up in the world.

Marshelle Haseley will have a series of conversations on the first Sunday of each month with women of all age-groups and walks of life in an effort of unlocking some of the myths and misconceptions.

Our first conversation is with Alex Cathrine Hospedales, 24, from Diego Martin. She says her mantra is: “Vibrate your highest self. Which basically means, I want to be the very best version of myself possible, at any given point in my life – while remembering that it is all part of personal growth.”

She was recently awarded an undergraduate degree from the University of the West Indies, St Augustine, where she majored in international relations with a minor in gender and development studies. Now a digital marketing specialist at CGA Caribbean, Alex enjoys volunteering in projects that connect with her passions. For instance, she will be volunteering as merchandise co-ordinator and as part of the communications team for the New Fire Festival in April.

"I am undeniably both creative and an academic,” Hospedales said. “I am passionate about making a positive and meaningful impact on people, however, that manifests itself. Oh, and gender justice.”

What realistic expectations do have of men?

"My expectations of men would be summed up by the words: respect and responsibility. On the most basic level, I think men should show respect for everyone: children, women, other men and themselves. They should especially respect the choices, opinions and actions of others, whether or not it is fitting to their personal belief systems.

Responsibility is about a man’s ability to be accountable for his actions and life.

Most of all, men ought to be held responsible for their emotions and emotional traumas. The days of men being out of touch with their emotions and using anger as the default setting should end."

Hospedales said men should pay attention to their emotions and take responsibility for what may cause the range of emotional responses to what happens in their lives and how to sort them. "I think when men fulfil these expectations on a personal level they can contribute to solving problems on societal and structural levels in more powerful and positive ways."

Based on your expectations, how do you encourage the men in your life to be aware of these things? These expectations may be important to women across the board.

She said the best way to have anyone become aware of expectations is to communicate it effectively. "I think we often think our personal logic should apply to everyone who knows us, simply because they know us." This she said is flawed because perspective and context have great effect. She describes herself as someone who encourages the men around her to have conversations to express what they feel and think.

"My brothers are big examples of that and I try to reciprocate it as much as I can. To me it's essential to normalize communication, including communication with self."

Hospedales said honest internal conversations are normally overlooked. "We must check in with ourselves, our needs, expectations and feelings." This she said is crucial to what comes out in conversation, action and ultimately how people decide to live.

"I've been in situations where I have communicated my expectations and they were both wilfully and unintentionally ignored. It's disappointing and it's alright to feel that way – but I had to ensure it was communicated. After which, I set new boundaries based on that, however small or drastic."

What do you expect of other women in how they show up in the world?

She said she was not sure how to answer the question because she thinks there are many women wearing multiple hats. "So many women do so much it is amazing. It's like my expectations are already met."

"But truthfully, I expect other women to really learn their worth." She said women are often required to fulfil many duties. "We are halfway through generational doors of what is traditionally meant to be good women, versus what it means to be a modern woman." This she said means, women are moving away from trying to be everything in one: homemaker, career woman, grade-A wife. Women are now seeking to take greater care of themselves on an individual level.

"It's harder than some people think. Living up to these expectations while simultaneously making sure you have the most agency in your life as a woman. I expect women to be authentic. I want to see women seeking to discover what makes them who they are and try to separate the ideas of what society requires them to be from what they really want to be."

Hospedales said while she knows it may sound cliché, "It is the easiest thing to get comfortable in what people expect of you. It is not easy but it has a certain comfort to it."

Lastly, she said, "I expect women to support other women more. Not just agree on everything, because that wouldn't be realistic, but seek to understand the really complex differences in the lives we lead." She hopes women will help each other thrive

How do you try to show up in the world as a woman?

"Self aware is the first word that comes mind. I try as best as I can to remain compassionate but also to balance that with knowing what I deserve. It is almost a responsibility that I've given myself to make sure I remain as kind to people as possible."

On the other hand, she said she is aware of how people take compassion for granted, which reinforces the need for being assertive and setting healthy boundaries for the sake of self-preservation.

"On a bigger scale, I know I have the potential to be a good example to people and the last thing I want to do is take that lightly, so again, it circles right back to being accountable for my truth, the way I express it, and the way I construct my reality."

Hospedales said she thinks she can only become the best version of herself if gives herself the space, time and love to heal from past traumas, which she said is an inevitable feature of life, using them as lessons.

"It requires the shedding of old patterns – something I'm paying really close attention to as I lay the foundation for the life I want."

What do you find most admirable in men, in terms of a relationship, friendship, and men setting a positive example?

"The most admirable thing that a man can be is open-minded and secure in his masculinity. His ability to relate to a woman is important, while not feeling emasculated by her want to be treated justly."

She admires men who do not conform to typical hyper-masculine and heteronormative ideals as guides in their relationships – whether romantic or platonic. "The ability of a man to be a caring and supportive partner and friend in a world that teaches them to toughen up is not just admirable but necessary if men want to play their greatest part in changing the narrative about their stories." This she believes can change the conversation in a greater way, potentially making the term toxic masculinity a thing of the past.

"Of course, the best way to lead change is to lead by example. Boys learn how to be men from other men. Be the best one you can be! Empathy and compassion are attractive qualities."

Give us five words embodying where you would want to be to feel whole as a woman.

"Confident, self-aware, honest, resilient and brave. Those are all things I think represent wholeness in a woman– or at least what I'd like to accomplish."