The corner of courage: What do women want?

Kanisa George

Ask, and it shall be given to you. Simple enough, right? Maybe. But to know what to ask for, one must be certain, in unequivocal terms, of exactly what they want. Unfortunately, women have gained the reputation of being unsure, ungrounded and blissfully unaware of what they want. Men, in particular, blame our emotional disposition for what they judge to be an erratic and seemingly unsettling attitude towards life choices that can sometimes create catastrophic consequences.

Dissecting this belief would take much more than a 700-word opinion piece and several rounds of psychological ammunition to debunk this somewhat flawed notion. But it really got me thinking, in this modern world, what do women want?

Human instincts dictate that, at least on a basic level, women want emotional and financial stability, companionship and a sense of agency over their lives. We all want to be loved, feel protected and foster connections that allow us to grow individually. Yet even with the knowledge of this basic principle, for centuries women haven't been able to secure it for one reason or another.

Since the dawn of time, women have yearned for equality. In our marriages, at the workplace and in every other area of our lives. But for some of us, this has come at a cost. Career women who have defied what it means to be a high achiever in a man's world are still able to manage family life and be an involved parent. This, however, isn't without its challenges. Many of us sacrifice family life to chase dreams that have haunted us our entire lives, only to be held hostage by the question, "Was it worth it?" While for some women, this is a risk they are willing to take for personal happiness, others cower under the shame and fear of not having it all.

The 21st-century woman has become confident, assertive, and for the most part, in tune with what she wants in a partner. More than a handful of us aren't willing to settle and would much rather play the waiting game until Mr Right appears. Unfortunately, life doesn't always work out the way we hope, and some of us aren't fully prepared to withstand the sands of time. Instead, we opt for the most appropriate option and hope that happiness finds us.

Sometimes we settle, and the result isn't what we hoped it would be. A survey conducted by Women's Day magazine found that 50 per cent of women regret marrying their husbands. Most felt like they'd lost their sense of independence, and their partners weren't willing to meet them halfway. For others, marriage felt like being sucked into domestic servitude as they seldom feel like nothing more than personal assistants to their families.

We are taught that life is linear, and we structure most of our choices to conform to this manual. But in actuality, is it really what we want? It might be easier for us to lean into the notion that being a mother is the best gift a woman can receive without really addressing that this isn't the reality for some women. A fact sometimes only made clear after giving birth. The sacrosanctity of motherhood has made it nearly impossible for anyone to broach the viewpoint that says otherwise. As taboo as it may seem, it is not rare to find women who secretly wish they didn't have children.

Many years after the birth of their children, some women who still haven't been able to tap into that "maternal instinct" feel trapped and mourn the loss of their previous life, including time, money, friendships, and intimacy. In a BBC feature article, one woman confessed, "I just saw the happy little family with the house and the garden, and children trotting off to school – the fairy tale." She said it wasn't until she had her first son that she discovered she wasn't maternal.

The article said those women who admitted having regrets were adamant that this was different to post-natal depression. One woman said she struggled to look back on the early years of her daughter's life with any fondness.

So much for who we are and what we want to change with each stage of life, as what we desire now might turn out to be our worst nightmare later. Fortunately, as we grow and progress, there is no rule that prevents us from reinventing ourselves and chasing what is suitable for us at any given moment. What do women want? To be our true selves, and that's a life worth changing for.