Letters of resignation

BC PIRES

WHEN the world gets too heavy, like when another American who should have free mental healthcare murders children in a primary school, I try to cheer myself up by printing a few letters from the editor, an idea stolen from the 70s & 80s American National Lampoon satirical magazine. As always, I certify these letters are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself.

Sir

Damned Manchester City! Two-nil down with only 14 minutes to play, and us 3-1 up and on fire! They snatched the dream of the first-ever quadruple out of our hands, just as we were getting ready to lift the Premiership trophy! On the plus side, though, it will make it much easier to come to terms with the upcoming cut-arse from Real Madrid over the weekend.

Liverpool Fans Kopping Out

Just the Double Then

Thank You, Chelsea

Sir

Did you ever having really bad ideas after you drinks bottles or two of vodka but convince yourself was really good idea and you must do it at once?

Vladimir Still Putting On Show of Strengths

Ukrainian Cut-arse

Trapped in Bad Dreams and Can’t Wakes Up

Sir

I am certain the police investigations will show there was nothing illegal in my actions because I have already paid off the police doing the investigating.

Could Be Anyone

In Any Political Party, Anytime, Anywhere

But Is Trinidad

Sir

Anyone complaining about our new hotel not being appropriately designed for Trinidad and Tobago should remember we have a rooftop pool. When we have no water, it will be easy to siphon water from the pool direct to guests’ toilets in their rooms. And we can rely on gravity when we have no electricity. If that isn’t designing for TT, nothing is!

A Spin Surgeon

Retooling Discomforting Complaints

One Good Stroke Makes a Minus into a Plus

Sir

This morning I was a social outcast filled with self-loathing and terrified of everyone and everything. At lunchtime, I invented my own conspiracy theory by combining the vilest ones I found on the Dark Net and packing it with local versions of a cabal of paedophiles (although I don’t know what the word “cabal” means). I put it on social media at midday and, by one o’ clock, after Trinis unquestioningly forwarded it over-and-over, look, I am a senior reporter for a national news centre that’s really a private Facebook group. Just wait until I give Trinidadians the scoop about what it is trans-bara-men have been putting in doubles!

Ann Nidiot

Copying Q-A-Nonsense

In the Hope of Feeling Better About Myself

Sir

Forget all my hype about saving humanity and protecting freedom of speech. Give me enough time and I’ll prove I’m just another mega-rich a-hole.

Elon Mush-for-Brains

Richer Than Anyone

Except in Compassion

Sir

The reason we need every white child to be born, and not unborn, in America is because we need them to grow up and buy guns. We need that NRA money.

Republicans

Small Government

And Penises

Sir

It’s another lame-stream media lie to say the candidate I endorsed lost the primary election in Georgia on Tuesday. He won. But the cheating Democrat Communists just found 620,633 more votes for Kemp than Perdue. So unfair! But anyone know how they did it?

Donald Still J for Jackass Trump

Fading Fast

But Never to Black

Sir

The electronic Travel Pass for entry into Trinidad and Tobago is being scrapped from 1 June. This means that we will soon only be able to harass incoming passengers in an old school, hard copy paper forms way. But don’t fool yourself and think we still can’t go digital if we feel bad-mind enough.

Immigration and Customs Officers

Cavity Search

Piarco Airport

Sir

You really think I give a flying firetruck if you eat shrimp or pork? Or if you give ten per cent of your income or nothing at all to preachers? Or who the firetruck you marry? What am I, some kind of almighty control freak?

God

Never Going to Another Anger Management Class

Me Bless Me

Sir

The next letter will be from one of the Beatles.

Yesenia Gonzalez

Second Sight

Prophecies Done Cheap

Sir

Anyone seen Keef and Woody? I’ve been keeping a closer eye on them since we lost poor Charlie!

Mick Jagger

Rolling Stones

Gather No Moss

Sir

Dammit! I was so close!

Yesenia Gonzalez

Secondhand Sight

You Gets What You Pays For

Sir

You know what? Next time a chimpanzee keels over mysteriously, we’re going to say it was killed by human pox! You’ll aee how it feels!

Monkeys

Second Cousin

Evolutionary Chain

BC Pires is dodging reality. Read the full version of this column on Saturday at www.BCPires.com