Autonomy in teens

Dr Asha Pemberton

teenhealth.tt@gmail.com

THE QUEST for autonomy is experienced throughout the life-course, but pivots significantly at two critical stages. These are toddler-hood and adolescence.

Autonomy is defined as feeling, behaving and thinking independently, and having the freedom to make self-determined choices. During the toddler years, the battle for autonomy and control manifests through tantrum behaviours. Unable to articulate their needs and wants, two and three-year-olds find other, less tolerable ways to demonstrate their desires. It is up to parents to learn how to manage these behaviours and create boundaries while providing the comfort and support needed.

Through normal and health adolescent development, young people similarly will express their need for autonomy. As they begin the process of separation from parents, they will embark upon identity formation. This is critical to functional adult life and requires them to think independently.

This is a process which involves a balance between laxity and supervision by parents according to the abilities, decision-making capabilities and actions of their young people. Caregivers may either threaten or foster autonomy in adolescents. There may be long-term consequences for an individual who fails to gain autonomy at the appropriate time or gains too much autonomy prematurely.

Adolescents learn best through practice and must learn to problem-solve, establish their own set of values, and take on more responsibility. Young people benefit from guidance and support. Allowing adolescents the space to exercise healthy autonomy builds resilience and may mitigate psychological and social risk factors. There must be balance, which is appropriate to the context of each young person.

Increased autonomy without guidance from adults is harmful. Conversely, excessive control or coercion aimed to protect an adolescent may lead them in the opposite direction in more defiant pursuits of autonomy. This is an unfortunate scenario that many well-meaning parents encounter when they apply too much control over their young people.

There are risks associated with both complete autonomy as well as excessive control. A balance between independence and support is needed and is best facilitated through strong relationship bonds, good communication, patience and time.

To support the autonomy of young people, parents must first understand who their teens are, their interests, passions and goals. Through supporting their exploration and individuality, parents demonstrate to young people that they are valued and trusted and that they matter.

Even when there are fundamental differences, parents are encouraged to validate the opinions of their teens while gently expressing their own thoughts. Validating an opinion is not the same as allowing a young person to do everything that they desire. It is giving space to their thoughts, without judgment or ridicule while engaging in dialogue about preferred options or decision.

At times of decision-making, rather than loudly handing down the judgment, parents are encouraged to listen more and speak less. This is admittedly difficult to do when emotions are high.

As the adage goes, young people learn from what they see more than what they are told. This still holds true. Parents who themselves engage in high-risk behaviours, substance use including vaping and problematic alcohol use will encounter challenges guiding their young people away from such actions. The expectation that they “do not see” or “are not into that” are completely misguided.

Parents of teens must check in with their own behaviours and how they model adulthood to their young people on a daily basis.

Finally, parents need to take time to give feedback. As young people are allowed autonomy they require information on their decisions and outcomes, both the positive and less fortunate. While they will learn from their personal experiences they gain so much more when guiding forces can help them connect actions and outcomes, whether they are immediate or occur in the longer term. This is particularly relevant regarding friendships and relationships, when changes in dynamics may not occur right away but may result from prior conflict.

Overall, adolescent autonomy is inevitable. Parents often approach it with trepidation. Instead they should take time to reflect on their own parenting styles, the needs and capacities of their young people and be open to flexible and creative ways to support this necessary part of their overall development.