If only men knew about menopause

What do you get for the woman who has everything, including menopause? Soon it will be Valentine’s Day and while the chocolates and flowers still manage to get sold, some people do want or need something more.

There’s a whole community of women looking for something more than roses. Or different. I think a lot of menopausal women know exactly what they want: understanding. Notebooks out, guys.

Lisa Feveck is a dietitian, author and transformation coach for women in menopause. She’s incredibly easy to talk to and when she’s talking to you about menopause it’s as if there had never been any awkwardness around the subject. Ever.

Many women don’t want to talk about it with anyone. Some will try with a close friend or female relative. I know very few women who would ever dream of discussing the things menopause puts them through with any of the men in their lives.

Lisa came up with a list of five things men need to understand about menopause. Think of it as a special gift to the woman in your life who’s going through something you will never experience. It’s kind of a his-and-hers package, since men have much to gain from this.

When most people think about menopause the first thing that comes to mind is hot flashes. These range from uncomfortable to unbearable, but, as Lisa says, that’s just one thing. Her list of other physical unpleasantries include night sweats, migraines, muscle and joint pains, as well as extreme fatigue.

Dismissive of brain fog and mood swings? They’re a real part of menopause. Try doing a full-time job with that. Lisa says, “These changes can be exhausting, even if a woman looks fine on the outside, so a little patience and understanding go a long way. If she says she’s exhausted or feeling off, trust that she means it.”

Speaking of issues like mood swings, remember that menopause comes with great big hormonal changes. I once thought of it as the adolescence we actually saw coming. There will be ups, downs and sideways-es. Weepy, Grumpy, Surly and a host of other fractious dwarves are living rent-free in the woman you thought you knew so well. She’s still in there.

“It’s not a reflection of how she feels about you – it’s her body adjusting,” Lisa explains. “The best way to help? Stay calm, be patient and let her know you’re there for her no matter what. Instead of reacting or trying to fix things, just listen.” You heard it here, boys: “Just listen.” Unless she asks for something else.

Have you been feeling she’s just not that into you? You have no idea how much of this can come from menopause. You might want to chalk up a lower libido to one of those mood things, but, again, it is real. Sometimes her body is just saying “no.” Sometimes intercourse can be physically painful.

As Lisa says, she isn’t rejecting you, her body is shifting. So how do show you’re still there? “Talking openly, showing affection in non-physical ways and being patient helps keep the relationship strong. A little effort in making her feel loved and attractive will mean the world to her,” Lisa advises.

“Forgetfulness is a symptom, not a quirk,” she says. I’ve seldom met an individual who didn’t think they planted a flag and owned forgetfulness. It’s our out, our excuse, our asking for a pass. But for menopausal women, it can be the bane of all banes. When you misplace things or can’t keep track of the thread of thought, you feel like you’re losing your mind. Advice from Lisa: “Instead of teasing or getting frustrated, be supportive. Gentle reminders and a good sense of humour help keep things light when frustration sets in.”

Last of all (and also first of all), be supportive. Can’t say this enough. The thing I’ve noticed with myself and others is the way menopause affects the life of the woman going through it, and also her friends, kin, people at the grocery and immigration officers. That’s why a strong person or network of them can be so important – she knows someone has her back.

“Some days she might feel like herself and other days she won’t. Encouraging words, small thoughtful gestures and simply asking, ‘What do you need?’ can mean everything. Be present and understanding,” Lisa says.

I said at the start there were answers – I didn’t say they’d be easy.