The emotional bait-and-switch game

Kanisa George

INTENTIONALLY pursuing a romantic partner, with the ultimate goal being to gain a future relationship, is one of the most fulfilling parts of the human experience.

We rate prospective suitors based on aesthetic appeal, personality traits and “what they could potentially bring to the table.” But in the end, the only way we can determine one’s likeability is by extensively interacting with them.

The first few interactions with a romantic pursuit are immensely important, for it is during this time that we either confirm our feelings or decide that the relationship might be better placed in the platonic realm. It’s an intricate balance of reading between the lines, what appears good on paper and going with your gut feeling.

It is even more important to understand that while things appear perfect, this might partially or wholly be part of a well thought-out plan to put one’s best foot forward.

Dating comes with the expectation that each party will display some level of a façade to woo their potential partner. With time, this façade may crumble, revealing more authentic personality traits that might be more relatable or it might reveal the opposite.

A genuinely alarming and somewhat confusing situation to find yourself in during the dating game is when you’ve been wholly deceived into thinking your partner or potential partner is X, and they turn out to be someone with a questionable or sinister character.

No, it wasn’t just an exaggerated façade; it was a well-crafted, made-up script that presented them in a manner that can only be defined as far from the truth.

In essence, they offered appealing attributes that were subsequently shown to be untrue or vastly overstated.

You thought you were being wined, dined and swept off your feet by Dr Jekyll when, in reality, you were making yourself vulnerable to Mr Hyde. You, my friend, may have fallen victim to the all-too-common bait-and-switch manipulation scheme.

This manipulation tactic can be used at any stage in a relationship and may not always have detrimental consequences. However, the person who uses this strategy at the infancy stages of a relationship does so to intentionally confuse a potential partner or trick them into engaging in a relationship they otherwise, once armed with the correct information, would not engage in.

Once permanency is established, the manipulator would give up the act and show their true colours. Some schemes go on for years and result in what some dub the bait-and-switch marriage scheme.

With a bait-and-switch marriage, once the marriage is set in stone, the deceiving partner often changes their behaviour and stops putting as much effort into the relationship because they’ve gotten what they wanted.

During the courting and relationship stage of any partnership, we develop positive expectations due to the modus operandi of our interaction. We often expect the initial behaviour or at least some level of the same behaviour to continue during the relationship and when we enter into marriage.

When there is a marked difference in behaviour, often viewed as the polar opposite of what was initially presented, the innocent party is usually left feeling confused and slighted, as the marriage expectation did not align with the reality of what they experienced after the wedding.

One example of this scheme is when your spouse seemed to share most of your values during the dating stage, but now they don’t see eye-to-eye with you on significant issues.

One psychologist revealed, "In some cases, your spouse’s behaviour change has to do with the 'pretence' of marriage. They felt the need to be perfect and align with you in every area so that you could agree to marry them, but they couldn’t keep up the front after you got married.”

No one wants to find themselves in this situation, and while there is “some level of bait and switching” in most relationships, manipulative behaviour that could be potentially damaging should be avoided. Here are a few things you should look out for.

One telling warning sign is abrupt and significant changes in behaviour. Instead of displaying the empathic and understanding persona they previously presented, they now appear aloof and dismissive regarding your emotional needs.

When confronted about this change, they not only justify their behaviour but find a way to blame you. Also, be on the lookout for a shift in attitudes towards “shared interest.”

While it’s pretty standard for loved ones to share an interest in each other’s likes, be mindful of partners who coincidentally share the same interest as you but without real reason not long after the start of a serious relationship quickly loses interest.

“Keep an eye out for discrepancies between your partner's actions and words.

According to Dr Campbell, a social interaction specialist, it may be a warning sign if they present an intention to commit but never follow through. For example, discussions about moving in together or getting married are always postponed without any real plans or promises of a future together that never seem to materialise.

We are all flawed individuals, and when trying to make a good first, second and third impression, we do our best to present the finest versions of ourselves. But when manipulation tactics are at the core of one’s dealings and the masquerade is over, it is possible to find someone beneath the exterior you never really knew.