Does gratitude sort of suck?

WE have a strange aversion to being grateful. Despite all the date books, calendars and daily inspirational messages about how thankful we should be for living.

“I’m blessed,” people say when you ask how they are. Still, I get the feeling we have real trouble with “thank you” and “I really needed this” when it comes to the moment.

To begin at the end as it were, my conclusion is that we don’t like needing anything from anyone. Take that a step further: we don’t want to be beholden to anyone. I think – rolling swiftly from thank-God-I-got-this to now-I’m-indebted – is the crux.

But why this is the inevitable outcome is the real question. Like there’s something disdainful about needing a hand. Or as though we suspect repayment in pounds of flesh will soon be exacted, and the timely benefactor will want to choose the spot from which it comes. Surely this is the opposite of the spirit of giving. It may be true or is true some of the time. But not all of the time.

The end of the year is often a time we use to reflect on the things for which we are grateful. A pause after the Christmas rush. A deep breath to focus on all the good in our lives after we’ve moved past the washing of curtains, painting, over-eating and putting bows on everything.

There are people who like the sound of the words, “Thank you.” Maybe it’s a drug. Maybe it’s a hardwired expectation: a reaction to an action.

Whatever it is, for some, it can be a very sore point if their kindness is not met with appreciation they can hear or feel in some way.

I’m not so interested in these people right now. I think they require a separate column. I’ve known or known of people who are genuinely happy and, yes, grateful for things done for them – everything from having lunch brought to them to having blood donated – and yet their expressions suggest the opposite.

“Why you put yourself to so much trouble?”

“Like you ain’t have nothing better to do with your time, oui?”

And yet these utterances come from people who have gained much and are the happier for it. Literally lives saved or the feeling that their life has been saved because they got something they needed when they needed it.

My mother used to take food to an elderly friend, a gem of a lady even when her health declined and cooking became an impossible task. Had wisdom and kindness for all. Her response to my mother’s food drops was: “You like work, eh, girl?”

In other words, “Thank you. This means so much. I just don’t know how to say it.” I’ve read that one of the reasons for the paucity of thank-yous in the world is that it seems obvious to the person on the receiving end that they are grateful; therefore it must be clear to the giver this is the case.

Sigh. Few things are obvious.

Also, consider: the person doing the giving, are they sure they are offering the right thing? In the right way?

I want to thank a few people/things I don’t feel I’ve done right by recently. I hope they all understand the sincerity with which I send these messages and wish I had more than words with which to express my feelings.

To the makers of my electric toothbrush: thank you. Yours is a marvellous product. My day and my mood (to say nothing of my teeth) would be the worse without it.

To the dogs and cats of TT who do not live with me: thank you. When I’m not worried about you, I’m just in love with you. You are hilarious and adorable. You should elect a leader and that leader should run for prime minister, because no one knows how to survive and thrive like you do.

To the people who run the shop down the road: thank you. From security guard to cashier, you are the friendliest, most warm people I see some days. There are days I think I invent things to buy just so I can come down there. You don’t just sell bread, you offer humanity. For the new year, I wish for a world in which when we give someone something they said they needed, instead of leaving with the feeling they are offended, they smile. That can’t be too much. Grace, people, grace.