Dangerous world for girls

Dr Gabrielle Jamela Hosein

THE TRANSITION from childhood to adolescence for girls is gendered, and introduces concerns, risks and knowledge for which boys are not held similarly responsible as they grow. It’s not just that teenage girls begin to learn that they must live with less mobility and freedom than boys, it’s that they begin to learn that boys and men (and some women) present a constant threat of sexual harm from which they must protect themselves, and this extends for their entire lives.

As they gain greater independence, they are taught to be careful; to police their clothes, words, behaviour, and online interactions; to expect danger everywhere; and to feel irresponsible if they do not exist in a state of constant mistrust. Whatever dangers boys face, the shift to teen consciousness isn’t accompanied by parental conversations about male sexual violence – everyday, everywhere and from anyone. Girls learn they are more likely to be prey to sexual predators because they are female. They learn that nowhere are they safe. They learn that this is normal in our world.

If we examine this as adults, we need to acknowledge that it is unbelievably horrific that parenting requires girls to be this aware from so young. Our patriarchal world has fundamentally failed girls because it cannot promise them basic safety from boys and men. Teen girlhood is therefore defined by learning to live as a survivor of the daily threat of male harm. Whatever empowerment women have gained, this represents a fundamental state of subordination and terror.

It’s not so hard to see why girls are sceptical, think parents are being overprotective, take risks that don’t seem a big deal, or try to live in the ways boys do without understanding that they occupy an unequally dangerous world.

We judge girls’ intelligence or ability to "be smart" by their young brains' capacity to grasp all this rather than naively thinking that it's exaggerated. Indeed, girls are where they should be when they are trusting, confident and friendly. Yet these are the very characteristics that they get lectures and warnings about as potential liabilities.

The imposition of such knowledge will never be experienced by boys or truly understood by men – because it isn’t lived in their bodies. Still, protective fathers, male family members and good men grasp these dangers and consider them as disturbing as I do.

To explain, on the weekend, Zi was with a friend at the cinema. Both sets of parents were nearby, casting an eye, when a boy came up and sat close next to them. We figured this was someone they knew from school or knew well, were curious about their body language toward him – which was to virtually ignore him with fleeting recognition that he was sitting so close – and wondered if this was a boy one of them "liked" or not.

He soon left and we called them over to ask. Turns out he was a "mutual" (a friend or family of a friend) they had never met before but "knew" from Instagram and they had never met the friend herself before, but liked things each other posted, and "knew" each other that way.

What did four parents have to say?

You don’t "know" anyone you have never met based on their Instagram stories. You cannot trust their values, behaviour, or respect for boundaries. Why would a boy meeting you for the first time sit up next to you when there was a chair opposite? Boys and men can get too close and touch inappropriately. Assert a sense of personal space which only those you allow can enter, and let that be earned rather than immediately presumed.

There are boys and men who will drug your drink, so watch who is near it, never leave it unattended, never accept a drink that you haven’t seen opened or poured, and never leave just any boy or man to watch your drink, even if or especially if you think you trust them as a friend, colleague, schoolmate or "mutual." Always go to the bathroom with another girl and take your bag and phone with you. For women, being followed, fooled, groomed, propositioned or sexually violated truly happens.

All I could think while we drove home was that Zi and her friend were not wrong to consider it a non-threatening moment with a harmless-looking teenage boy. Unfortunately, in a world in which predation is a reality, such innocence can only be fleeting. How unjust that girls must learn all this at just 13.

Diary of a mothering worker

Entry 539

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