Defying our warped notion of manhood

WE EXPECT social, economic and political issues to take centre stage at political conventions, but no one expects a 17-year-old with a non-verbal learning disorder to spark much-needed discussions about bullying or the social construct of masculinity.

This unexpectedly happened the night that vice presidential candidate Tim Walz took the stage at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago and declared his love for his family. His son, Gus Walz, who has an attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), an anxiety and non-verbal learning disorder, shot up from his chair, enthusiastically applauded his father with tear-filled eyes and said seven words that went viral, “I love you, Dad. That’s my dad.”

Many people found it a touching moment; for others, it sparked mockery. Gus Walz reminded me of the emotion, compassion, love and loyalty I found in teenagers I taught in a private school and in our nation’s prisons. Those who knew of Gus’s challenges realised how much it took to express his feelings.

Actor Mia Farrow expressed what most of us felt. “When young Gus Walz, adorable son of Gwen and Tim Walz, his face streaming tears of pride, shouted ‘That’s my dad’ he won my heart.”

The insensitive and uninformed reacted differently. Right-wing columnist Ann Coulter wrote on X, (formerly Twitter), “Talk about weird.”

“Weird” is a word both Republicans and Democrats like tossing around these days.

Trump supporter and podcaster Mike Crispi wrote on X: “...Walz’s stupid crying son…You raised your kid to be a puffy beta male. Congrats.”

Coulter and many others who mocked Gus deleted their messages when they heard he had learning disabilities.

Psychologists jumped online to say that people with learning or physical disabilities are targeted for bullying two-three times more than other children. Psychologists say that bullying reinforces disabled children’s beliefs that they are less in every way.

Reactions to Gus showed us something beyond bullying. It's best revealed in an internet comment by right-wing I Heart Radio host Jay Weber, who wrote, "If the Walzs (sic) represent today's American man, this country is screwed: 'Meet my son, Gus. He's a blubbering b---- boy. His mother and I are very proud.'"

Herein lies one of the biggest problems we have – not only in the US, but here in Trinidad and Tobago – and that is a warped sense of what defines masculinity. Those who removed nasty comments when they learned Gus had learning disabilities didn’t target him because of that. They reacted because he did not fit their criteria for how males should act.

Men still experience social pressure against expressing any feelings other than toughness or anger. Males are taught to hide their feelings and never appear emotional. They should be stoic and not cry in public. Be in control at all times.

In my book Wishing for Wings, I tell the story of Vaughn, in my CXC English class at the Youth Training Centre (YTC). Police had shot his father to death.

Vaughn told me, “My father was a bad man. My mother did everything to keep me away from gangs, but from the time I can remember, men pushed a gun in my hand and said, ‘Hold this. Be like your father.’”

Vaughn wasn’t an angry, violent or vindictive gun-toting teen. The court realised this and dismissed his charges.

The teenagers in my YTC English class loved reading. Boys who couldn’t read mocked them, but my students, all incarcerated for violent armed robbery and murder, weren’t the kind to take bullying. They toughed it out and eventually realised reading empowered them. It provided an escape, knowledge and emotional expression they had never experienced before.

It took courage for my students to break society’s stigma of appropriate male behaviour or the notion that boys who read are nerds.

Ironically, those who believe bullies are tough guys and their victims are soft have it all wrong. Boys who lack confidence are merely acting tough. They don’t pick on tough children. Psychologists say bullying can also stem from a need for social dominance and a lack of empathy.

It’s not a wild stretch of the imagination to call Gus Walz one of the bravest teenagers I have seen. He broke through many emotional and social barriers to express his love for his father. That’s powerful and commendable.

If you can’t see that, you need a lesson in empathy, love, loyalty and emotional intelligence. It’s time we realise that many of the problems we have – including crime – come from our warped sense of how males should behave.