Monkey business at the zoo

A CHIMPANZEE, an ocelot and a flamingo go to see the new Planet of the Apes movie at a cinema next to their zoo. Afterwards, the chimp asks his companions what they thought of the film.

“I thought it was an excellent representation of my people’s struggles,” the chimp said.

The ocelot quipped, “It was OK, but I felt like I’d seen it before.”

The chimp turned to the flamingo, “How about you flams?”

The flamingo took off his 3-D glasses, turned to the chimp and said, “I thought the premise was kinda dumb, but not nearly as dumb as three zoo animals watching a movie.”

So this week’s headline is a bit corny. I didn’t think my editor would sign off on the first draft: Not only chimps fling faeces in our faces. You pick your battles, yeah?

When I first read about the “expansion” of the Emperor Valley Zoo, I immediately thought this isn’t about improving conditions for the animals and the overall visitor experience. But…it’s one of those ideas with big price tags and bloated contracts that governments typically get giddy about.

The $56 million development includes an exhibition centre, cinema, restaurant, conference facilities, shops, outdoor dining and a children’s play area. If this sounds familiar, that’s because you’ve seen it before; it’s the MovieTowne complex, just crammed into a far smaller area that’s the last stronghold of greenery in an island city. It’s Zootowne. If that name appears on any billboards, banners or signage, you’ll be hearing from my lawyers with a quickness.

In the reported plans, there’ve been no revelations about upgrading the actual facilities housing (incarcerating) the animals – the enclosures, habitats, aquaria, etc. I’m all for adding some interactive educational component to combat entrenched ignorance in society about wildlife. Anything that moves our “chap dem" attitude towards snakes even just an inch in the direction of enlightenment would be splendid.

Instead, this project reeks of an outdated developmental imperative – pour concrete everywhere – as if rebar and cement can nudge progress forward without an overarching philosophy. It’s useful to note, but only marginally so, that this latest round of ridiculousness Trini-style represents phase four of upgrades at the zoo.

The first three phases, except for the otter enclosure (a considerable improvement over previous accommodations), produced underwhelming outcomes restricted mainly to surface aesthetics like brick footpaths and a handful of additional attractions.

Now the Government is set to spend considerably more on ancillary features which appear to be targeting inhabitants of the zoo outside of the Emperor Valley Zoo; a cutters bar?

Minister of Planning and Development Pennelope Beckles is shilling hard for Zootopia even though the quality of her pitch is worth just about that – a shilling. Beckles sees an increase in attendance as an outflow of this expansion project. It's odd that a minister of P&D should concern herself with activity at the turnstiles of the zoo.

This administration has few accomplishments to put in the “done” column of its two terms in office (fingers crossed for a third!). So, how many hands does it take to hold a sod-turning shovel? As many as are needed! Read in the voice of Anthony Hopkins as Odin.

Who is this expansion for, anyway? I can see it right now; teachers telling the children on tour, “OK, after we get tru wit dese animal here lewwe hold hands while we cross the street and go to Cutters Bar to throw back some Guinness and mudslides.”

The Imax theatre isn’t far from that location and MovieTowne is on the foreshore. Is another cinema necessary or even viable?

$56 million could have gone a long way (depending on how many palms needed to be greased) to rehouse larger mammals elsewhere. At such an imagined facility lions, tigers, primates and such could have bigger spaces, enhancing their quality of life. The Emperor Valley Zoo in the city could be reserved for local wildlife with larger enclosures and focus on educating young minds about our environment and its conservation.

An editorial in this newspaper spoke of efforts to encourage the return of native butterflies to the area and the Queen’s Park Savannah. Maybe that’s thinking too small. Instead of real butterflies, how about an incongruous monstrosity in the shape of a butterfly? Presumably, all visitors will be descending on the facility from some sort of airship to appreciate this aesthetic.

How many times do we have to miss the mark before this nation recognises that we stopped shooting for it a long time ago? Even the chimps have better aim.