Toilet paper saves lives

THE EDITOR: As the adage goes, modern problems require modern solutions. Long lines in the bank? Online banking (mostly) has your back. Difficulty finding a partner? There’s an app or twelve for that. Protecting yourselves from diseases? Your doctor probably has just the shot for you. (Sorry, anti-vaxxers). When it comes to new diseases, however, there is only one bonafide way to protect the sacred way of life. Toilet paper.

As disease travels across the world at speeds faster than church hall gossip, the masses prepare for battle.

Armed with Massy bags (or similar), the hordes descend upon the supermarkets with ferocious energy and an unwavering focus. There are no courtesies or considerations, double shopping points days are meaningless, and discounts are merely for the foolhardy and easily distracted.

There is a single target in the cross-hairs and, should we fail in our mission, death and destruction will surely rain down upon our houses.

This is a fight for survival; every person for themselves.

For now, ply-count is irrelevant. Acquire as much toilet paper as you can at any cost. This is war.

As we obviously all know, top scientists and medical professionals, the world over, have testified to the miraculous and all-purpose healing properties of toilet paper for decades. (It’s pretty much the Big Fat Greek Wedding’s equivalent to windex). Got a migraine? Take two squares and call me in the morning.

Bruised fist from punching your way to the toilet paper aisle? Slap a damp piece of two-ply across it and go about your business, soldier.

Instead of asking questions and throwing even a passing side-eye at rational thought, we are just hysterically bleating along and getting into brawls with neighbours and strangers alike over a six-pack of two-ply. My question is this (and I’m going to say it slowly): Why are you buying bales of toilet paper? I’m talking cart-loads here. I’m not only asking for a friend, but myself.

Rational thought has not only left the building, but it bought a super cheap flight and is currently sipping on mimosas at an undisclosed location. Soon, a person’s wealth and status will be measured by their stockpile of toilet paper. People will be selling their homes, children, and mothers-in-law for a hit of Purell in a back alley.

Charmin’ will become the new currency, mouthwash the beverage of choice, and baptism by sanitizer the preferred greeting.

Social classes will inevitably be re-structured into those of two-ply and four-ply status. I can picture the pitying, withering, and judgmental looks and comments now.

“Don’t look at him, he’s a two-ply. I bet he bought his masks in bulk. Ugh.”

If this insipid virus is truly bringing on the End of Days, I need you to ask yourselves if toilet paper is the only thing you need to guarantee your survival and that of your loved ones. Eating empty TP rolls and chugging Listerine sounds both illogical and highly unappetizing. I doubt even a drizzle of sanitizer could help with the flavour.

All I ask is for you to be consistent and fully committed to your logic. If the end is nigh then get to digging that bunker and store as much water and canned goods as you can squeeze in. (Just don’t forget a little space for the toilet paper.)

As with most viruses, upping your hygiene game and practicing some (un?)common sense will keep you as safe as you’re going to be.

Masks, gloves, soap, sanitizer, and similar are all logical choices for protection and reducing the risk of spreading germs. I should note here that I am not a doctor but I do consider myself a common sense-r. Bonus, for my fellow introverts out there, staying away from large groups of people is also a solid option. (I know, all those years of practice is finally gonna pay off!)

Panic and hysteria is only going to make a scary and anxious time infinitely worse. So, just close your eyes, take a masked breath, and ask yourself if you are truly preparing adequately and appropriately.

Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk. Also, wash your blasted hands...and stop diggin’ up yuh nose in de people dem taxi.

David Cogdell

via e-mail