Letters of resignation

THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY

WHENEVER Trinidad out-Trinidads itself – like when the sitting government rewards its own incompetence with a pay rise – I cheer myself up by printing a few letters from the editor, an idea stolen from the National Lampoon satirical magazine. I certify these letters are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself.

Sir

It have nothing more vexating to me than people whey cyar even speak good preventing po’ Trinidadians from getting they state handout like normel becaw them gi’ng ’way we petro-dullers to Venezuelians. Is we ten days we want, not no fire-trocking diez dias. Run them Venes and run we morney. Excepting the clear-skin h--. Them could stay.

Trini Sufferers

Bu’ning Tyre Until Them Venes Bu’n Rubber

Back to They Maduro A--

Sir

Funny, eh, but, even though our last Attorney-General was arrested just a few weeks ago and even though our political leader Granny making about a thousand statements every day and even though the current government can’t make a note, we’ve still become completely irrelevant.

The UNC

Fading Yellow Jerseys

Seen Nowhere Really

Sir

When I said, “Brexit means Brexit,” what I meant was, “Brexit means two years of my life wasted!” But I know now that the problem wasn’t me! If they think Bojo the Clown can make Brexit happen, they have another think coming. And another crisis. And another general election.

Theresa May Barely Lasted Past May

Prime Minister of Decidedly Not Great Britain

No 10 Now Waving but Drowning Street

Sir

Oh, I say, rather, not fair, attacking a man when he’s up. No, nothing, nothing, murmur, murmur, playing fields of Eton, I never hit her, not really hard, what a fabulous haircut of mine. Do you, you know, £340 million every week, you know, National Health surface. Salt-and-vinegar crisps, eh, no strudel. I’m the most popular because I’m the, you know, what, something, eh? Rather!

Boris Johnson

Heading to Downing Street Although an Idiot Despised by Many Millions of Brits

Supported by a First-past-the-post Majority of 150K Tory Party Members

Sir

Please don’t criticise the West Indies team too much because they are really, really vitally important to the development of the sport all over the world! Thank you for understanding!

Bangladesh, Afghanistan, Ireland & Canada

Getting Better Every Year

At Least Compared to the West Indies

Sir

You really think our photograph will make the slightest firetrucking difference to the good Evangelical Christians of America? They will still vote for the orange orangutan who thinks the only good Mexican is a muerto hombre. And the only dead babies good American Christians care about are unborn white ones.

Oscar Alberto Martinez Ramirez

And His Tiny Daughter, Valeria

Face Down in the Rio Grande

Sir

Okay, you can forget about us again until Justin Bieber or Justin Trudeau does something foolish or Celine Dion releases a new album.

Canadians

Riding the Raptors Win Until 2040

Even if the Team Could Just as Easily Have Been Called the Back to the Futures

Sir

How much suffering do I have to inflict on you all before you understand that, if I did exist, which I don’t, I really don’t give a firetruck.

God

Toying with Humans for 200,000 Years with Tornadoes, Droughts & Floods

Plus Pestilence Like Peas

Sir

Firetruck reparations; we’ll be happy if we can get a cab in Manhattan.

Black American Men

Walking 14 Miles from Brooklyn to Midtown Every Firetrucking Day

Unless Arrested

Sir

Tell the truth: until you saw that viral video of me, six weeks after heart surgery, prancing and strutting and pouting in that gym, it never crossed your mind that I needed to rehearse that sh--, did it? Or that I could need a mirror for it?

Mick Jagger

Moves Like Me

Accepting Horner Babies Rather than Admitting Shooting Blanks

Sir

Okay, okay, it’s a dog whistle and what they really hear is, “Make America Hate Again!”

Donald Trump

White House

White Power

BC Pires is the honorary American Consul in Port of Spain. Read a longer version of this column on Saturday at www.BCPires.com