Letters of discredit

WHENEVER Trinidad out-Trinidads itself – like when a private company pulls out of a project in Tobago despite a sweetheart deal so sweet it makes anyone who is not a shareholder feel sick, and Trinidadians and Tobagonians don’t realise that they’d just got lucky – I cheer myself up by printing a few letters from the editor. It’s another stolen idea, this one from the National Lampoon, the nationwide spinoff of the Harvard University satirical magazine that could not survive in an age where a Russian sympathiser not only sits, but spreads out massive, in the Oval Office.

As always, I certify these letters are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself.

Sir,

The worst thing about the abandoned Sandals project was that it was my only hope to improve travel to Tobago. In just two or three years, Sandals could have built their mega-resort and advertised it abroad and thing and plenty tourists would come and the Tobago economy would pick up and, maybe, people mightn’t have noticed that I still haven’t managed to get one firetrucking ferry sailing regularly between Port of Spain and Scarborough.

Rohan Sinanan

Minister of Nothing Doesn’t Firetrucking Wuk Here Boi

Already Out of Ideas & Running Out of Steam

Sir,

Carnival is the Greatest Street Party in the World!!! It is the Patriotic Duty of every Citizen to buy a Short Pants or bikini-and-beads Swimsuit costume for Seven Thousand Dullers and chip out the Sole of they Two Feet for Two Days becaw Carnival will Save the Country. The Government must give we Billions to Protect the National Festival!!!! Is we Culture!!!!

Bandleaders, Calypsonians, Soca Artistes and All the Other Cobos

Relying on Arbitrary Capitals and Exclamation Marks

Because We Ent Have a Real Argument Why We Should Get State Money

Sir,

People say we ent have no motivation and thing but look how we is entry-preener, becaw we creating new and dynamo industry out of nothing, y’un’stan’. Them Chamber of Commess should make we the Emerging Entry-preener of the Year.

Bandits

Bringing Back Kidnapping

Firetruck Away with Gary

Sir,

I am giving fair warning to the bandits in the letter above that I will take no prisoners, if they only fire a shot at me, is potow-pow in they rooka-ker-kung-tung and, when the smoke clears, only one man will be left standing with a smoking AK-47 and all you will hear is bandit baby-mother crying and then the Ennio Morricone theme from The Good, the Bad & the Ugly, excepting we will have to rename that movie, The Good-looking, the Bad Luck for Bandit and the Ugly Truth is that We Need a Bad John to Run this Town. Starring me. In the lead role. With a ceegar in the corner of my mouth and a glint in my eye, just like Clint. That is man!

Firetrucking Commissioner of Firetrucking Po-firetrucking-leece Gary “Don’t Firetruck with Me” Firetrucking Grif-firetrucking-fith

Striking Terror in Every Heart

Except Cabinet Ministers Driving the Wrong Way Down a One-way Street

Sir,

Don’t be vexed with us if we lose a Test match in under two days. Is just professionalism. Time is money, y’un’stan’, and we have to hustle to Bangladesh, Australia, Pakistan and India for T20. You gets more money for one day there than five Test match in England! We ent stupid!

The West Indies Cricket Team

Aiming to Lift Our Game So We Could Draw with Canada

Test Cricket Hell, T/20 Heaven

Sir,

Spend that sou-sou hand on a big screen TV instead of unblocking your ravine. Buy fancy clothes instead of sandbags. Throw your old fridge in the river and buy a new electronic Samsung. Make hay while the sun shines because, as soon as June, we coming in your tail again to wash away all of it.

Floods

After Ten Minutes’ Rain

Every-firetrucking-where in Trinidad

Sir,

Eternal life in the hereafter for ten per cent of your earnings every month; tell the truth: doesn’t that sound like a Nigerian scam? Man is the head of the family just because he has a penis – why not woman, because she actually gives birth and nurses children? Faith really wasn’t meant to supplant common sense, you know.

God

Slightly Amused but Entirely Baffled by Doctrine

Heavens Above & Forbid

BC Pires is a man of lettuce. Read a longer version of this column on Saturday at www.BCPires.com