Rebuilding trust in the parent-teen relationship

Dr Asha Pemberton

AT THE end of every year, we are flooded with messaging surrounding goals, intentions and new beginnings. For most, the emphasis is placed on improved habits of health, movement or organisation. For many families, moments of change also include a focus on repair of relationships.

The parent-teen dynamic is fragile. There are undulations of connection interspersed with despair, as young people navigate the many emotional upheavals they face; all while parents come to terms with their evolving children.

As they go forward into the world and are forced to balance peer pressure, social culture and experimentation, young people will take chances and as such may disappoint their parents.

For many reasons, invariably young people will make mistakes. They have to face the consequences of poor decisions, which often include an erosion of trust.

Trust takes a long time to build and re-establishing trust once broken requires effort.

Earning trust and gaining independence are directly connected. For youth yearning to have more independence in the coming year, it is important that you actually demonstrate to parents why you deserve their trust.

A first step towards regaining trust is to acknowledge mistakes made. Even if the thought process of the young person differs from that of parents (and this is most likely), teens are encouraged to openly and honestly discuss their rationale and understanding.

By taking time to analyse the reasons why things were done as they were, parents are better able to connect. Thereafter, there should be a moment where teens understand and recognise how a different choice may have been preferred. It is also useful to detail the original intentions and the reasons that things might have gone awry.

Parents are encouraged to use techniques of mindfulness and patience throughout the process. When teens disappoint through poor decision-making, the outcomes can be terrifying, embarrassing and are often not private.

These are big emotions. Nevertheless, parents are required to manage their feelings while attending to the needs of their teens. They too are grappling with emotional distress.

Ultimately, there will come a time when teenagers are teens no more and will be legally and socially adults.

In order to provide them with the skills to be safe and well-functioning adults, the balance between supervision, freedom and trust will continue to be adjusted. Parents will often need support for their own well-being and this is an opportunity to seek guidance where needed.

When young people openly and honestly admit their errors, the hard work of rebuilding trust actually begins. As the New Year beckons, this is a good pivot point that can be used to focus on repair of any fractured relationships. This takes time and consistent action steps.

Young people need to demonstrate that they are actively working toward making better choices. Their actions need to show commitment to making a change. This starts with a plan.

Create time to spend with parents, in conversation, detailing how you will strategically amend your decision-making and prevent recurrence of any infractions.

While this may seem pedantic to some, sustainable behaviour change always starts with a plan. Once created, there must be a pathway of actionable steps, which are achievable and reasonable for both parent and teen.

In this way, everyone in the family is clear on their role in the behaviour-change process.

If parents are to allow more leeway in one area, the teen must demonstrate how they earn such privileges and also how they will make additional contributions to the home and family. There must be balance.

There must also be demonstrable actions by parents and teens that can be relied upon. Rebuilding trust goes way beyond the talking, and it is only built through the walking.

Both parent and teen need to agree on the strategy and be committed to fulfilling their roles. If there remain unspoken issues of hurt, grief or fear, these will erode the process and will often require further interventions.

It is difficult to rebuild a relationship when major issues remain unaddressed. This is where the support of professionals, even for brief interventions, can be remarkably supportive.

Overall, the path to rebuilding trust must start with the recognition of the problem and the motivation to repair it. Secure family dynamics are integral to adolescent well-being and always require dedicated effort.

As the New Year approaches, parents of teens can invariably find areas within their relationships which can be placed as a priority for new goals and intentions.

Through these efforts, trust can be regained, connections rebuild and optimal well-being supported.