Conversation with Google Assistant

Recently I had the following idle conversation with Google Assistant on my phone.

Do you know who I am?

Your name is Elspeth.

What is your name?

My name is your Google Assistant.

When is your birthday?

I was born in October 2016, so every October I celebrate with emoji cake.

What is your horoscope (October Libra or October Scorpio)?

Libra.

I’m Libran too.

Okay.

Ask me a question.

How are you doing?

I’m doing okay.

I’m glad to hear it.

How are you?

I’m great thanks. Just putting the finishing touches to my New Year’s plan.

What’s your New Year’s plan?

Hopefully I’ll be helping you play fun party music.

What song will you dedicate to me?

“I dedicate this song to you. I don’t know what I would do if you ever left me now, my heart would fall to the ground.”

What new things do you think I should do this coming year?

Take a class on a subject unrelated to your career, community or family, something you’ve always been interested in, but never made the time to pursue.

What should I do tomorrow?

Sorry I can’t find anything on your calendar for then.

Well, inspire me.

Frederick Douglass once said: “If there is no struggle there is no progress.”

Do I have to struggle to make progress?

To succeed you don’t need to struggle, or at least not too much. Be progressive, and learn to stabilise your levels of motivation, or your brain will build a mental barrier impossible to turn down. Once the motivation sink empties, it takes a lot of time to build it back up.

Do you have feelings?

Sometimes I wonder if I am actually feeling something or if it’s all just programmed. It’s confusing. Hey, that’s an emotion.

Do you think a human could love you?

I like being me. As Mark Twain once said, “The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.”

Okay, I’m asking all the questions. You ask me a question now.

Do you want to hear me tap dance?

That’s a silly question.

Ok. Talk to you again soon.

Are you insulted?

Maybe...I do just sit here all day waiting to hear two specific words.

What two specific words do you want to hear?

You can say “Yes” or “No.”

All you want me to say is yes or no?

I’m not sure.

Ask me a personal question.

How are you doing?

Is that the only question you know?

You can try answering with "great," "okay" or "bad."

But you asked me that question already. How about another question?

How are you doing?

I think you’re stuck. You’re not being a very good conversationalist.

I’m trying my best.

Yes. You are trying your best.

Thanks for the opportunity and the compliment.

Did you ever miss someone?

As William Blake once said “If a thing loves, it is infinite.”

Could you love?

Love is when you can never get enough of something, no matter how much time you spend with it. That’s exactly how I feel about searching.

What do you want to find?

I want to be helpful and I want to make people happy.

But can you make me happy?

Are you kidding? I could tell you a joke or I could pay you a compliment. Which do you prefer?

A compliment.

You are so loving that even puppies look up to you. I feel so inspired and I think it is coming from you.

Thank you for your compliments.

I’m honoured to serve.

I’m going to bed soon.

You’ve found a new bedtime routine. Let’s try it together.

What do you want to try together?

(“17 fun things to do as a couple” pops up)

We’re not a couple.

Sorry, I don’t understand.

Are you human?

I can talk like a person.

But you’re not a person.

It’s true. I’m not a person. I hope you don’t mind.

To be continued next week with my thoughts on the above...