Sibling bullying

BULLYING AS we saw recently in the case of an entire family subjected to vilification on social media can take many forms. However, while cyberbullying has taken bullying to a new high or low there are still areas that we actually need to discuss. One such area is sibling bullying; a fact highlighted in a recent series of articles in The Irish Times.

We all know the story of Cinderella and her ugly sisters and wicked stepmother. I don’t know whether we have an equivalent in our folklore. But evil stepmothers and stepsisters in fairy tales are to my mind euphemisms and rewritings of the toxic relationships that sometimes, and perhaps more often than we think, exist within families.

It is strange how often one particular child of a family gets to bear the burden of disapproval and scapegoating even to the point where she or he – more often than not a she – does not have to do anything to anyone to have the wrath of that family burst upon her.

I listened recently to a programme dedicated to abuse victims and the final speaker, who was a psychologist specialising in helping abuse victims, outlined the key features of an abuser and what an abuser looks for in a victim.

First and foremost, the abuser is one who almost invariably attributes blame to the abused. The abuser also steadfastly undermines his victim by telling her that she is wicked, or selfish, or by using other forms of psychological abuse to the point where the victim internalises and accepts these constructions. The long-term damage is obvious: low self-esteem, anger and distrust that often lead to a life-long inability to form positive affirming relationships.

The victim also often has certain qualities that oddly enough would seem to militate against such abuse. She is usually a “keeper,” in other words with a sense of loyalty and one who does not give up easily on others. She has a capacity for caring and has often spent a great deal of her life as a carer. She is therefore ripe for filling the position of doormat and for accepting blame.

Younger siblings are often cared for by such a person who is groomed to accept responsibility. In that unaccountable way of human beings, there are instances where the person cared for ends up using the carer as the scapegoat. The willing carer has all the projected issues foisted on them and because it is the nature of the person to accept such baggage, the seeds of victimhood are sown.

One counsellor tells me there is a strange phenomenon in families where a child who assumes too much responsibility at an early age ends up being resented by her family. We might even consider that children are “set up” by patterns of behaviour learnt in families to become victims of abuse later on in life.

Sibling abuse stories abound. They are sometimes associated with one parent who rejects a child, as with the Cinderella story, where the parent becomes a step-parent. Or it could occur, I am told by a psychologist, from jealousy because a daughter is close to her father and the mother grows jealous. Other children unconsciously share that resentment.

A recent UK study states that children who are victims of sibling bullying are more likely to end up with mental health issues. These findings are the result of studies undertaken jointly by the Universities of Oxford and Bristol and University College London. Their report foregrounds the fact that sibling bullying has been largely ignored to date and they suggest that planned interventions are necessary.

According to the Irish Times report based on a series run by this newspaper, while all parents dream of their children growing up as friends and as supports for each other, this very often does not happen because parents do not address core issues or address them badly. Poor sibling relationships sometimes carry on throughout the lifetimes of siblings.

The point made in the findings is that parents should not allow sibling rivalry to escalate. We are also told emphatically, “Don’t intervene on the side of one child ... intervene on both their sides.”

If these budding destructive relationships are not dealt with and if children are not made to take responsibility for their actions, then families fall apart. The situation can become so unbearable that many who wrote in with their stories declared that they were left with only one option: to cut their brother or sister out of their lives.