What is required?

Kanisa George

IT IS A well-established principle that the square root of 1 is 1, the perimeter of a circle is 3.14 times greater than its diameter, and the journey to the moon from Earth would take a little over three days.

Each of these well-founded findings is based on tireless effort and repeated tests and calculations, with the result being a step-by-step methodological approach on how to solve the equation.

Now, when troubled with determining distances and mathematical conundrums, one only has to reach for what has already been determined. One already has what is required within one's contemplation.

The same principle can be applied to most things in life. Most of us know what we want to achieve, and the results often enthral us. Take, for example, the desire to obtain an advanced degree or purchase a new car. One only has to set in motion a series of events that require financial discipline, personal sacrifice and, depending on the level you’re at, specific advancement. In other words, at least in these scenarios, it is pretty easy to determine what is required.

Other things, however, aren’t as clear-cut as we think they ought to be, and most people struggle with what is required in what some might deem a basic aspect of human existence: our relationships with others and, in particular, our romantic pursuits.

In the same way a plant requires water, sunlight and nutrients to grow, important requisites are needed to foster healthy, sustainable relationships.

But do we pay attention to what those things might be?

During our formative years, everything influences our understanding of relationships and the healthy value systems attached to them. Sadly, our interactions and experiences aren’t all positive, and we’re often left trying to make sense of a confusing mixture of signals that can take years to deconstruct.

This is further provoked by the fact that we are left to our own devices to figure things out and venture into adulthood, utterly unschooled in the art of relationships.

After having several pointed discussions with friends, colleagues and a handful of strangers (hardly a proper sample for an anthropological study), I recently discovered that most people understand the need for relationships, even desire relationships, but aren’t sure what is needed to maintain a relationship.

The way I see it, many people like the idea of a relationship, having a romantic partner, but have no clue what it even means to be in a relationship.

I am certainly no expert, but what is glaringly obvious from the current state of affairs is that most of us are getting into relationships simply because we’re told that’s what we’re meant to do.

Do we even want long-lasting pursuits, or are we in them because we’re told that’s the next step in life?

Maybe we don’t want a relationship in the usual sense, but we like the idea of someone being around occasionally.

Even those of us who, without a doubt, ascertained that a long-lasting partnership is what we truly desire, most seldom stop to consider what we want that relationship to look like.

One researcher blames this perilous state of affairs on what is dubbed as relationship illiteracy. Most of us have not learned the subtleties and skills necessary for successfully relating and communicating in relationships and are not even curious to determine what they are.

Skills like emotional maturity, accountability and candour aren’t harnessed to their full potential and so we do anything but thrive in relationships. Licensed marriage counsellor and psychotherapist Mel Schwartz observed that we are more likely to struggle and disappoint one another and ourselves in relationships if we don’t tap into proper emotional regulation and effective communication.

Even when gender roles provide insight into some of the requirements needed to support a relationship, we consider this position from a myopic perspective, failing to really internalise the very essence of what it means to be a protector or nurturer.

But what we’re most guilty of is failing to understand the most fundamental principle of relationships: commitment.

We either fail to grasp or acknowledge it, but whatever our ailment, if there is one thing we must seek to master before embarking on a relationship, it is the notion of commitment.

What does commitment mean to you?

What might it mean to a potential partner?

One writer notes that we often use this word to refer to proclamations about the seriousness of our relationships, such as “I’m completely committed to this relationship.”

Yet, we fall short in this area. Our ability to use proclamations is one thing, but do we fully understand the behaviour needed to support them? Research shows that the problem arises when we make promises about behaviours and outcomes in our relationships while ignoring the necessary processes to achieve the most pivotal goal.

Without attention to what is required to achieve the goal (commitment), the promise can only be defined as lip service.

Fidelity isn't the only facet of commitment. When we pledge our devotion, we commit to developing ourselves while growing in the relationship. We commit to honesty and open communication while ensuring we validate our partner.

Above all, we’re committing to doing life with someone else, not in the mundane way we sometimes think of relationships, but in an unguarded, honest, all-encompassing way.

It seems basic, right? However, but for a small minority, commitment appears to be the missing element in many interactions. This begs the questions: What type of relationships do we want? What energy do we bring to the interaction? And what do we seek?

Relationships are complex and can become far more complicated when one doesn’t fully understand what is required.

While it may not ease all the inevitable difficulties associated with relationships, in the spirit of being fair to yourself and someone you care for, ask yourself this: Do I want to be in a relationship, and, if so, do I understand what is required?