Loving the bully

VICTORIA SIEWNARINE-GEELALSINGH

HAD YOU been asked to think of a bully, you may recall one of the many recent incidents in our country regarding teenagers in school environments, if not a personal experience of your own.
Bullies are strong. They are mean. They don’t take no for an answer and they have a way of making their victims feel vulnerable, unimportant, insecure and inadequate. Their skill is preying on the weak and instilling fear so great that it feeds their own egos.

What if I tell you we are wrong?

When we are exposed to bullying incidents, it is easy for us to condemn and plead for an appropriate punishment which should aim to protect the innocent and give consequence to the bully.

What if I were to suggest that the bully is in fact one of the innocents?

School-aged children who bully are often reflecting their own feelings of vulnerability, unimportance, insecurity and inadequacies. They themselves are weak and are fearful of those others who may mistreat them.

Bullying is an act of compensation and when it occurs a significant part of problem-solving may be intervention at home where an insecure attachment to primary caregivers is often at the root of such behaviour. Parents aim to do the best that they can, with the resources they have. However, in many instances these resources are limited and they are not to blame.

Toddlers who are able to forge secure attachments have a greater advantage of learning kindness, sharing and other such social principles because they have been given unconditional love and acceptance. As such, they are able to perceive positive feelings and attributes about themselves.

As they grow older, these children often show more resilience to misinterpreting and personalising the behaviours of others. A child with an insecure attachment, however, is more likely to feel threatened by behaviours of others and is also more likely to perceive that they are being compared to others. This often leads to feelings of inferiority, which they mask with behaviours consistent with bullying.

In addition to feelings of inferiority, children who bully also experience feelings of insecurity, stemming from their insecure attachment style and feelings of inadequacy because they feel mismatched to the expectations others may have of them. Autonomy refers to the amount of control a person has in his/her environment.

Children who bully often are told what to do or what not to do at home. They are usually not given a choice or their choice is not considered or valued, while simultaneously their emotions remain invalidated. As a result, they seek control elsewhere. When placed in an alternate environment (example, school) they gain opportunities to exercise their control over those who appear to be more vulnerable than they are.

When adults minimise the existence of a child in the home, that child’s perception of his/her own self-worth diminishes. However, children who experience this type of living situation are often unaware that they should be treated differently, solely because it is the only experience they have ever had. By the time they reach school age, or gain exposure to another type of treatment, it is sometimes too late, without intervention to change this type of mannerism. As such, unkind behaviour and subsequent bullying of others are a reflection of what is experienced "normally."

To reverse a child’s tendency to bully can take as little as one adult who is willing to consistently offer unconditional positive regard. This adult can be a teacher, a close relative, a coach or even an older sibling. When the child’s sense of self-worth increases over time, feelings of inferiority, feelings of insecurity, feelings of inadequacy and the lack of autonomy tend to diminish. The bully then is able to conceptualise empathy and learn adaptive coping mechanisms to adverse situations.

In cases where a child is unable to forge such a relationship with an adult, psychotherapy may be sought to assist him/her in the aforementioned goals. If left untreated, the child would be at a disadvantage academically (as psychological distress is a major contributor to academic difficulty in school-aged children), as well as socially (as it could lead to isolation and further oppositional behaviour). If social isolation persists into teenage years, the child’s self-concept formation would be adversely affected.

The best way to erase bullying is to love a bully. Compassion over consequence. Empathy over blame. Kindness.

If you, someone you know or an organisation would like assistance in managing a mental health situation like bullying, please reach out to the TT Association of Psychologists (TTAP) for guidance via e-mail: secretary@psychologytt.org. Please visit our social media pages for resources and updates that can help.

Victoria Siewnarine-Geelalsingh is a clinical psychologist and secretary of the TT Association of Psychologists