Which hunt?

BC Pires -
BC Pires -


BC Pires

MY WIFE never understood why I never missed The Apprentice in the mid-2000s until I explained that, once a week, I genuinely felt superior to a billionaire. He was so poor a businessman, so dreadful a judge of anything of quality, so helpless a boss.

This week, I’m back to where I started with Donald Trump: almost feeling sorry for him.

He probably wasn’t a billionaire back then, just the compulsive, self-aggrandising liar he still is, but when he revealed his idiocy and deep moral flaws every week, I felt pretty good about myself. The shameless way he used his adult children as props for his vanity, eg, reflected my attempt to raise my then small children, not crush them under my own desperate need for validation.

And I’m back pitying the poor schmuck again, now that his orange jumpsuit seems booked. I still remember enough criminal law to understand the legal monkey pants Trump put himself in with the Georgia indictments this week.

If he is remembered in the future, it will be as President Soprano. And with 18 others indicted, the odds are good that one will flip, like Big Pussy in the HBO Mafia series The Sopranos.

And Trump will go down. To prison.

No doubt, he will try to take American democracy down with him and I will soon be back understanding how much more dangerous he is than entertaining, especially when he’s threatened, like a fat wounded rhinoceros.

But for the moment, I feel almost sorry for him. Because he genuinely won’t understand his legal jeopardy until the cell doors bang shut.

So in this small and rapidly closing window of bonhomie towards Fat Nixon/Hitler/Abu Bakr, I want to offer him my service. I’m going to write a tweet for him here today.

His recent tweets or “truths” (the most ironic name for anything since some semi-deranged cook described the pancreas of a calf as “sweetbread”) just don’t do him justice. Now nothing really could or will do him justice, except the penitentiary, but I really want to beef up those truth-lies for him. The one he did about presenting an exonerating report into the supposedly rigged election next Monday was just laughable.

In a too real way, it doesn’t matter how poor his tweets are because his supporters will accept anything he does as not just permissible, but ordained by God. Indeed, the more outrageous the lie, the more eagerly his supporters lap it up!

But I find he’s missing too many chances to be gratuitously nasty, which is what his supporters love. He feels aggrieved, but his supporters genuinely are, because slavery was abolished and, 200-plus years later, African Americans got the vote. And his supporters just can’t get used to it.

So here is my version of what he should tweet about the Georgia indictments. If any of our local black or mixed-race white supremacist Trump supporters know him personally, they can tell him I don’t need to be paid. I’ll have reward enough seeing his face when he realises he’s not getting away this time.

Here’s my “truth”:

Headline: B---h Hunt!

I Donald J for Jenius Trump can today reveal that the Black African American beeyatch, who is black, and also black, and a woman, too, stole the job of Fulton County District Attorney from a Real White American Christian Warrior. DEFEND THE FATHERLAND! Defend the Aryan race! This is no longer a WITCH HUNT. This is a B---H hunt! She’s a sick, deranged and also Black woman I would never grab by the posterior, even though she’s begging for it, she just wants to have me in handcuffs, because there are some lines I do not cross publicly and white nationalist pride is one of them.

Come down to the courthouse with your Confederate flags and AR-15s and show your support for the only man who cares about you. You know I’m talking to you.You can’t be a freedom fighter without fighting! Remember: if they aren’t white, they aren’t on our side.

Lock and load and start shooting.

BC Pires is depressed by how close the reality is to the parody.


"Which hunt?"

More in this section