Crucial role of timing in relationships

Kanisa George

WHEN IT comes to understanding relationships and what makes them work, our gaze is usually focused on compatibility. Making sure the pieces fit and finding a suitable compromise for those that don’t easily mesh has to be one of the most crucial factors in securing longevity and prosperity.

Despite this accuracy, one unspoken critter lurks in the midst of a relationship’s success. It is not finances, intimacy or silly arguments over whose turn it is to pick a film. It is the one thing that defines our journey and has a lasting impact on who we are. I’m talking about the undisputed, undefeated master called time.

In The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, one of the main characters, Daisy, experiences a life-altering change of circumstance after being accidentally hit by a car. Benjamin, the main protagonist and narrator, explains, in detail, that Daisy’s accident was a result of a series of events impacted by small fluctuations in time. Ultimately, the timing of each event, every small pause, and each minute distraction led Daisy to the reality she was destined to face.

Daisy’s unfortunate turn of events got me thinking about life, particularly how our relationships can progress one way or another due to time.

Time, often unnoticed, can be both the storyteller and the maestro of our romantic journeys. If time doesn’t harmonise with the other key elements of our experiences, the relationship is unlikely to endure.

Timing from a relationship point of view speaks about both parties’ ability to progress the relationship in a manner that befits the here, now and the future, juxtaposed against where each might be in their journey.

Engaging in an intimate romantic relationship with all the frills of commitment might not be the right approach for someone focused on building their career. This doesn’t bode well for the other party, who is ready for a more stable connection with marriage as the endgame.

Who knows, maybe in the next few years, partner A’s career might take off, and marriage might be on the table. But sadly, which is often the case, after feeling strung along for far longer than they’d hoped, partner B might no longer be around.

And then, of course, the inevitable happens. Partner B goes on to date someone else and, within months, progresses their relationship from a casual interaction to a serious commitment or even marriage.

When one compares B’s previous relationship, which lasted for years without the promise of commitment, one might be quick to think that compatibility was the issue.

Remarkably, both A and B fit in every sense of the word. They shared a unique connection and had a solid, intimate relationship. Barring other extenuating circumstances, the real cause of their demise was time.

In other words, the timing just wasn’t right.

The concept of time and how it impacts the success of one’s relationship isn’t just a mysterious facet that exists without proof. Time is a quantifiable hypothesis that can easily be subject to scientific review.

A study by Kenneth Tan, Assistant Professor of Psychology in the School of Social Sciences at Singapore Management University (SMU), discovered that timing is not just a factor, but a critical one in a relationship’s success. Prof Tan notes that timing is essential in that it has an influence on boosting – or undermining – relationship commitment.

When we peel back the layers and get to the root of what timing means in a relationship, one would find that it is directly linked to the subjective notion of readiness.

“Are you ready to take the next step and move in together?”

One’s state of readiness, a crucial aspect of relationship dynamics, can be influenced by maturity, finances, social situations and several other factors that, no matter how you swing it, are invariably impacted by time.

Navigating careers and socio-economic standing in one’s early 20s to early 30s requires an investment in time and consistency. At that age, many of us are still trying to climb the career ladder or find ourselves amidst a sea of confusion and impracticality. Only with time do our finances mature and our understanding of what we want improves. This process impacts how readily we commit to a relationship and the type of relationship we want.

In an article titled “It’s about time: Readiness, commitment and stability in close relationships,” researchers reviewed how commitment readiness fits with the more extensive theory of relationship receptivity. The researchers found that a higher degree of readiness was associated with higher commitment to a relationship.

For example, Prof Tan notes that females may feel more ready if they sense their biological clock is ticking. Men on the cusp of middle age might feel pushed to settle down with someone who will provide companionship and emotional and physical support for the latter part of their lives.

Do you see the correlation? It’s all about time.

Admittedly, while time impacts everything, it’s only a speck in the bigger picture. Understanding this small piece of the puzzle might be the trick to saving you from devastating heartbreak or giving yourself to a long-term relationship with no real commitment in sight.

Of course, consistency, intimacy, compatibility and communication are essentials to fuelling the flames of love, and without these factors relationships cannot be sustained. But if the timing isn’t right, it’s not going to happen, and no amount of “I love yous” or romantic gestures is going to change that.