The truth about your silence

Kanisa George

WHEN THE going gets tough because of conflict or disagreement, addressing the source of your frustration isn't usually the first port of call. Some of us love to stew in our displeasure, others clamour about the wrongdoer, or better yet, we ignore the situation and act like it didn't happen.

Doing what makes you feel better in the moment always seems like the best option. And right or wrong, whatever path we take, it usually intends to resolve the dispute, even if it is only in our head, one way or the other.

Sometimes the method we use isn't adopted merely to avoid an impending conflict but rather to teach the offender a lesson and assume a sense of authority that might not be easily achieved otherwise. Boisterous verbal confrontation, physical contact and even extreme emotional involvement might be enough to settle the score of a verbal spat, but silence, that, my friends, is far more potent than any venomous, vile spiel.

Silence is often regarded as the best approach for dealing with complex, emotionally charged situations. Refraining from violence or "remaining silent" is usually advised to minimise a potentially deadly encounter, particularly when interactions are extremely violent.

Confucius couldn't have said it better, for, in the end, silence is a true friend who never betrays. Yet often, in our quest to triumph against wrongdoers, we use silence not as an attempt to be the better person but as a tool to control, manipulate and spite. Instead of holding our tongues to maintain peace, we sometimes use silence to teach others a lesson.

Some of you might recognise this behaviour without fully understanding its meaning. And those of us familiar with the power potentially garnered from its use know all too well about using the silent treatment.

The silent treatment, which even I am guilty of from time to time, is a refusal to communicate verbally with another person, usually after a dispute. People who use the silent treatment may even take it a step further and refuse to acknowledge the other person's presence. The silent treatment can encompass an array of various acts and range from a person ignoring something you've said to texts going unanswered or being stonewalled.

Remaining silent can be a form of self-protection, and this is often used by people who lack effective communication skills or need to retreat or distance themselves to work things out. Sometimes people can't quickly process complex situations and freeze in silence. These feelings are often a momentary reaction to an emotionally charged encounter resulting in anger, frustration, or being too overwhelmed to address the problem.

When the silent treatment is used as a power play or to control the narrative unilaterally, it can indicate a broader pattern of control or emotional abuse. Using the silent treatment to hurt another person for an extended period or controlling when the silence ends and speaking to everyone except that person might be tantamount to emotional abuse. Even in situations where the perpetrator didn't intend for it to go on for an extended period, the level of control gained from the act can result in psychological quicksand.

In his research titled What You're Saying When You Give Someone the Silent Treatment, Daryl Austin found that the silent treatment says more about the person doing it than it does about the person receiving it.

Austin wrote that although social ostracism is a common form of punishment, freezing someone out harms both the victim and the perpetrator. Admitting that its use might be purely unconscious for people with passive personalities who simply shut down on account of emotions, stronger personality types use it as punishment and control.

Extensive research conducted by Kipling Williams and L Wheeler on the long-term effects of ostracism showed that frequently feeling ostracised can reduce your self-esteem and sense of belonging. When done by someone close to you as a form of punishment, it can lead to feelings of loss of self-control. On the dangerous side of the scale, it can lead to depression and suicide.

The effects of using the silent treatment are so damning that another study proffered that when used it provokes the same areas of the brain that become active when experiencing physical abuse.

Now, if you are guilty of using silent treatment in a manner that could potentially ruin your relationships or be akin to emotional immaturity or abuse, here are a few things you could do to get yourself in order.

Communicate your inability to address the issue at the moment. It might be hard to combine words to describe your feelings, much less communicate them. So instead of remaining silent, effectively communicate the need for time to understand and express your feelings. When the time is given, don't ignore the issue, stick to your word and go back to it. Don't let silence control the narrative.

Be the first to break the silence. Controlling your emotions might be tricky when you're in the heat of the bongo, and an air of silence might quickly sweep you up. That's OK. What is not OK is allowing the silence to persist when you are the source of its presence. Put your ego away and talk. You might feel ashamed, wronged or like "you're losing the battle" if you break your silence, when in fact you'll be doing the exact opposite.

Speak to a professional if you cannot address conflict without enacting the silent card. While it might not always be a sign of abusive behaviour, it can be indicative of emotional immaturity or the use of avoidant attachment relationship styles.

Kicking the silent treatment habit might not be easy, but it's a style that you must manage. Even though it might appear the best course of action at the moment, it can cause significant harm to your relationship's dynamic and even hurt you in the long run.