Is it possible to over-parent your teen?

DR ASHA PEMBERTON

teenhealth.tt@gmail.com

It is expected that parents will do everything possible to give their children and teens the best possible life and experiences. In modern parenting, however, a new phenomenon has emerged. Some parents are intrusive, controlling and insist on performing tasks their teens are capable of doing. The mother who painstakingly creates school schedules in her phone calendar, micro-manages homework or contacts teachers for clarification on assignments or grades. The father who directly intervenes in every friend-related disagreement. Some parents “over-parent” their teens. These over-controlling behaviours negatively affect a teen’s overall development, thus creating under-functioning young adults.

“Helicopter parenting” is one term used to describe this form of hyper-parenting. Helicopter parents literally take over all (or most) aspects of their teen’s daily functioning, interactions and lives. They believe that they can ensure the future success of their teens by clearing every path and smoothing every bump along the road to achievement. Such parents tend to be excessively happy and celebratory at successes and likewise over-react angrily when mistakes are made. Each outcome is considered a personal success or failure of their parenting.

Although often rooted in good intention, this approach to parenting communicates to young people in subtle (or not-so-subtle) ways that they cannot do anything unless mum or dad is there looking out and helping them. Routines, conflicts, victories and losses all require direct parental involvement. What it creates is a generation of young adults who are not prepared to meet daily challenges. They are unable to manage their time, create solutions or make decisions on their own since their protectors are no longer around.

Teens with overly intrusive parents have an increased risk of becoming self-critical, anxious, or depressed. They become afraid of making mistakes and blame themselves for imperfections. This happens because their parents are essentially – whether by their words or actions – indicating that what they do is never good enough and that they always need help. Subconsciously they become aware that they do very little on their own, and so develop a fear of trying. In addition, with every battle fought and won, (by their parents) the teens are not taught the skills to function independently or to accept that both success and failure will happen to everyone. This can lead to an overwhelming fear of failure which can cripple the willingness to try. If teens do not have the freedom to learn about the world and discover their purpose and what makes them happy, they will struggle to find happiness and live a balanced life – all impacting their mental health.

• Listen to your teen, and allow them to express their authentic selves

• Your teen will become someone different from their younger self and your adult self

• Allow your teen to make mistakes (even the ones you can see) and learn from negative experiences

• Do not do tasks that they are capable of doing

• Do not shield your teens from the consequences for their actions

• Do not raise your teen to expect to be treated differently compared to others

• Give your teens the space to live their lives

Most importantly, remember that the role of the parent is to guide, protect and teach your child to become an adult. Part of the process involves gradually allowing them to take on more adult responsibilities and roles and learn the ways in which they can manage them. Parenting is not a second opportunity to be a teen again, but rather a new opportunity to shape the life of someone in your care. Not always easy but essential, we must allow teens to develop resiliency and become their own adult person.