Fat Nixon concession speech

THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY

If he does collect the proper cut-a--- he’s booked for himself, I’ve written this concession speech for Donald Trump, true to his style and character.

I WON THE election. Nobody has ever won more elections by more votes as I won the election tonight. I won so bigly, many people are saying I should win the 2024 and the 2028 elections tonight, too. And the election that comes after that, too, in 2028-30-6. Eight more years! Twelve more years! Some more years after that! The White House is now Trump Towers West.

I’m not giving any interviews to Fox News any more for being so easily fooled into thinking I’d lost by the fake news media and the election results. They shoulda just gone on pretending I won in Florida. I never was a fan of Sean Hannity. His girlfriend is ugly, but his wife is a fat pig, so I guess he’s doing better there, you know, the little tiny fish. You
never say you lost,
especially when you lose. You smash your birthday cake if you’re ten or smash the Constitution if you’re 74.

So nobody else can get any!

How could I lose in Florida? The poorly-educated rednecks and the ignorant Spics love me. I would kiss every one of them, if I hadn’t ordered the Secret Service to tase any of them that jump the barrier. Imagine being too stupid not to be born speaking American! I would buy Florida if it wasn’t basically all bogland.
Fill in the swamp. Pave the Everglades. Build Trump Towers East. Mar-e-Largo is the only place in that inbred backwater that isn’t crawling with Mexicans, some of them come from Cuba, many people do not know that, others from Venezuela and Bow-live-a and other light brown sh--hole countries.

The mail-in vote Red Wave will win it for us because
any vote for a Democrat is a spoilt ballot! All we do is give all the wonderful, beautiful mail-in Trump votes to Amy Bamey Camey, or whatever that ditzy blonde’s name is, to count! We tell Amy Bamey Batsh-- Crazy Coney, every vote you count as a Trump vote, especially all the Biden votes, is like a little tiny unborn baby you saved from the Democrat abortion clinic. And she says, Sir, thank you, Sir, I did not know your hands were so big, no one ever had bigger hands than you, Sir.

Okay, I may not have won the African-American-Negro Vote but that’s because they’re too stupid to vote for me, like Jared says. That’s why Dad wouldn’t rent to them. I won the Housewife Vote and I won the Aryan Nation Vote. I won the Trump vote and all the Biden votes.

Article II of the Constitution says I can do anything I want.

It’s my party and I will tweet a pandemic into submission if I want to.

Donald J Trump is therefore calling for a peaceful transition of power from myself to myself and I am promising a peaceful transition unlike what the Fake News told you. I said we’d see. Look at you now. After I fire Bill Barr, that useless fat firetruck, I will appoint my son-in-law, Jared Token Jew, to be AG and his first job will be to arrest Crooked Joe Biden and lock him up, along with Kamal-Whose-Name-Sounds-Like-a-Muslim-Man, because Joe Biden has
never denied Hunter had a laptop.

And, like I promised, you will
never hear another word about covid-covid-covid-covid-covid. The reason we have more cases is because we do more tests, so I will stop tests and we will have no cases at all. And the reason we have so many deaths is because we bury people so I will stop burials and we will have no deaths. I will make everything great again again again because I WON I WON I WON.

And you shall all sit at my right hand.

PROUD WHITE BIGOT BOYS LOCK AND LOAD!

Now open fire against the traitors.

Easy to recognise.

Anyone not wearing a MAGA hat gets the full magazine.

BC Pires is grateful to Kristian Wedel of the Swedish Goteborgs-Posten for the inspiration for this comedic distraction from the possible transmogrification, next Tuesday, of Fat Nixon into Fat Hitler. Read the full version of this column on Saturday at www.BCPires.com