62 with a bullet

THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY

LAST WEEK Tuesday (June 2) was my birthday and all I’ve got to show for myself after six decades of this cosmic joke called life is the same receding hairline, expanding waistline, infrequent byline and recurring firetrucking punch line: ten times before today, in “birthday” columns, I’ve repeated the same hairline/waistline/byline joke I first made when I was
30 with a bullet.

Here are 62 pieces of indisputable wisdom from each year I’ve defied death.

1. Never fart in an elevator. 2. George Floyd will be remembered longer than Donald Trump. 3. Blue and green should never be seen. 4. Memorise important phone numbers. 5. People prefer pretty lies to ugly truths. 6. Conservatives love “unborn” children because they can’t be gay. 7. Never manage your fantasy team while drunk. 8. The less-talented are always more critical. 9. The cook is exempt from the cleanup. 10. Anyone still supporting Trump is a racist.

11. Marry your best friend (if she/he’s hot). 12. You’re not rich enough to buy cheap. 13. Moderation is the only thing you can do to excess. 14. Never vote for a political party with three initials in its name. 15. The hottie in the gym is not looking at you, but at her reflection in the mirror behind you. 16. Always look back into a toilet you’ve flushed before leaving the restroom. 17. If you're going to kick authority in the teeth, you might as well use both feet (Keith Richards). 18. The only cure for hate is love. 19. There is no such thing as a free lunch. 20. Stiletto heels and a G-string compensate for most shortcomings.

21. Never laugh with Crix in your mouth. 22. Never say anything behind people’s backs. 23. Don’t judge your parents until your own children are adults. 24. You can change Trinidad governments but not their uselessness. 25. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time (Maya Angelou). 26. Live and let die (James Bond). 27. The only cons bigger than cigarettes & alcohol are Brexit & Donald Trump. 28. Your fiancee will turn into her mother/his father. 29. The rich get richer and the poor get children. 30. Snopes it.

31. Religious instruction is child abuse (Denis Solomon). 32. Never pick up a tissue near any man’s computer. 33. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light (Stanley Kubrick). 34. Leave the gun; take the cannoli (The Godfather). 35. Pay off your credit card every month. 36. Wherever you go, there you are. 37. Beauty fades; ugly lasts. 38. Money won’t get you to Heaven, but you sure see Hell without it (Christian Soldier/jointpop). 39. There are no holy books. 40. Women need a reason to have sex; men only need a place.

40. Austerity is the idea that the 2008 financial crash was caused by there being too many libraries in Wolverhampton (Alexi Sayle). 41. All is firetrucking vanity. 42. Every age is modern to those who live in it. 43. Be the change you want in the world (Gandhi). 44. Brrrrrrtttt! (Bunji). 45. Trust others or shoot yourself. 45. We die alone for sure but we may be able to live together. 46. Apostates are more fun than atheists. 47. Better to arrive an hour early than a minute late. 48. Every liberty includes a responsibility. 49. God is dead (Nietzsche). 50. Love is all you need (Beatles).

51. Never live downwind from a chicken or pig farm. 52. The only person you can change is yourself. 53. All humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone (Pascal). 54. The louder anyone protests anything – therapy, same gender sex, Viagra – the more desperately they need it. 55. Anger is a poison you take and hope your enemy dies. 56. Don’t get mad, get even. 57. Love thy neighbour – but don’t let thy spouse find out. 58. Ageing beats dying. 59. Human decency is not derived from religion; it precedes it (Christopher Hitchens). 60. The city/ could b’un down/ We jamming still (Ultimate Rejects). 61. It have nothing as dangerous as overseer envy. 62. One day I'll have to get a real job.

BC Pires is 62 with, hopefully, a rubber bullet and no teargas or percussion grenades, unlike peaceful protesters in Washington