The calypsoes we deserve

ANOTHER Carnival is behind us. An underwhelming display of creativity swept through some of the country.

It crested in Port of Spain leaving in its wake a predictable, ho-hum Road March victory and loads of garbage. Oh, there was also a lot of trash left behind.

In the calypso arena, each year the art form takes another loping stride towards extinction. For anyone with trouble sleeping, any of this year’s compositions would put the sandman in the shade.

Why bother with Ambien when there’s Chalkdust who’s been singing the same turgid dirges since his beard was black.

And who can resist the sycophantic stylings of Cro-Cro who has created his own sub-genre: the desperate political jingle.

To think that with an entire year to work with, he might have come up with something slightly original. Perhaps the rigours of his Cepep job are sapping that wellspring of creative genius. Or maybe it’s something else.

Honestly, you have to feel sorry for today’s calypsonians. There is such a dearth of material to inspire them that they had to resort to combing through the wafer-thin headlines like chickens scratching in the dirt for suitable topics. It’s not like when the PP, UNC or NAR governments were in office.

Hell, there were so many things to write about under those administrations each performer had their pick. Under this administration, though, it’s a real guava season. This year, two calypsonians sang about the fashion show in the Holy Trinity Cathedral.

Things are going so well in TT that performers struggled to find subjects that would resonate with a barely-there audience.

In the spirit of charity, I thought I’d pitch in with just a few suggestions to get our calypsonians’ creative sprockets turning again. Who knows, these offerings may still be relevant after the elections.

With the greatest of respeck

From the moment I hit the scene

Women everywhere faintin’ like dominoes

All I did was organise meh hair with a tin ah brylcreem

And take the oath in the tightest of clothes

You see this AG come from political nobility

Meh mother is Diane Seukeran, the baddest woman of all

And from there is ease I ease into this political dynasty

So dem fit me up for a PNM jersey, size extra small

With de greatest ah respek I does baffle dem with prose

I am a dandy who does talk like ah boss

Reruns of mehself in Parliament is meh favourite show

and I never meet ah case that ah couldn’t lorse

Still, this political life extracts a heavy price

The public doh see I feel it now and then

Life in office is a big, big sacrifice

The stress so bad I cyar eem make out me own chirren

So shuffle you foot like Chalkie

And twiss up yuh back like Cro Cro

Bamana bamp bamp...badda damp!

Here’s another ditty that’s been making the rounds in my mind. The well I’m drawing inspiration from was obviously not available to our vaunted vanguards of democracy so they shouldn’t feel too bad.

Ever since they put me in this office, I have to report

I been trying to develop an exciting new sport

Granted, this ain’t for everybody I have to state

Iz powerliftin’ for women, and I am de weight

No ladies, I know it seem lil controversial

But I only want you to live up to your full potential

If you can take all this weight I’m sure you will agree

Your powerliftin’ career will flourish under me

I start meh tryouts in de accounts depatment

But the ladies there shy and need encouragement

Iz when I take dem on a lil trip to de sister isle

You shoulda seem dem trowin’ weight like dey going wile

Then I audition June in the back of human resources

She take weight like she wukkin’ with mysterious forces

Strongy tell me sign she up for this thing right away

I say no problem, just watch at this NDA

Things was going good, but I make ah bad choice

I try to tackle that ole battleaxe by de name ah Joyce

This woman build like a cabinet and take no mamaguy

She fire two swift kick in meh donkey eye

Dee dee doi dingly-oi doi doh bip...badam bam pitalf...

Calypso people, I’ve got folders upon folders of this stuff. They’re cluttering my computer desktop and slowing it down. I’m willing to tweak the wording where necessary to optimise the flow when put to musical arrangements.