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Thursday 27 June 2019
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Chelsea Police


The confrontation between the Police Commissioner and everyone else merits three columns in a row, so here’s an imaginary satirical news report that may not be so far away from the Trinidadian reality, judging by this week’s TV news “story” about jumbies huffing people’s baked chicken in the night.

MINISTER of All-of-All-You Hush Stuart Young yesterday defended Gary “Double Geopardy” Griffith after Gary “Two-Machine Gun Kid” Griffith insisted his new Elite “Platinum VIP” Unit will wear, as its new uniform, the colours of Chelsea Football Club.

Bad Boy Commissioner of Police Gary “Buju Banton 'Fraid Me” Griffith was addressing a gathering of responsible members of the media who agree with him.

Both the reporters present were given complimentary police camouflage iPhones in recognition of their being on “the right side of Trinidadian history” in supporting Commissioner of Police Gary “I Go Jail Everybody Whey Doh Agree” Griffith in his superhero-like fight against crime and murder and the battle of good against evil, which cannot be defeated, unless the police wear Chelsea football clothes.

Commissioner of Police Gary “When I Say Jump, You Ax, 'How High?'” Griffith explained that, although Chelsea were only sixth on the English football Premiership league table, he had personally decided that his new Elite “All Police is Star Boy Getting Lap Dance in Da Club” Unit would wear the Chelsea strip and not that of Manchester City, currently at number two, or even league-leaders Liverpool, because Commissioner of Police Gary “I Does Take My Appearance Serious, You Hear” Griffith finds he doesn’t look as good in that sky-blue City shirt as he does in the midnight-blue Chelsea one, and his wife told Commissioner of Police Gary “27 Police Bodyguard with Big Gun” Griffith that, sorry, babes, but you just die in that Liverpool/Man United red.

Commissioner of Police Gary “I Forget More 'Bout Police Work Than the Last Five Police Commissioner Put Together Could Ever Learn” Griffith explained that the war on crime, which was his calling from God to fight could only be won if police wore Chelsea kit.

Commissioner of Police, Gary “Bad Dorg” Griffith received an extended standing ovation from the massive crowd of two reporters who were in orgasmic delight over the heroic heroism and herolike hero-otics of Police Commissioner Gary “Oh G” Griffith and the camouflage iPhones.

The applause and adulation were briefly interrupted by Kirk Waithe of Fixin’ T&T and Law Association president Douglas Mendes, who very rudely asked, “But isn’t it more important to win the war against crime than a petty argument over Chelsea football gear?”

Gary “Doubles with Slight Pepper” Griffith whipped out a cuatro and, quickly donning a stingy-brim camouflage Chelsea hat, sang an extempo he had composed several days beforehand, using a rhyming dictionary and a thesaurus. In a voice flatter than the graph of the Trinidadian economy, Commissioner of Police Gary “Bad Like Crab” Griffith intoned: “Kirk Waithe is a chupidee/ He ent tall and smart like me/ The only way to beat banditry/ Is to dress in the strip of Chelsea/ Eden Hazard come like a detective/ But Doggie Mendes brain just defective.”

Minister of Short Man is Boss Now Stuart Young, snatching the mic from Commissioner Gary “Double Glock” Griffith, admitted that, even with the imposing structure of the whole Minister of National Security beneath him, he just wasn’t tall enough to be viewed as a “bad dog” like Commissioner of Police Gary “The Rules Doesn’t Apply to Me” Griffith – that is a crucial half-inch – but he at least could put on some all-black clothes and brown shoes and some darkers and look like a Rottweiler or Dobermann.

The Minister of International Insecurity of Short Men Stuart Young then announced that basketball hoops across the country would be lowered from ten to six feet, so National Security Minister Stuart “Tall Boy” Young and Commissioner of Police Gary “Air Gary” Griffith could play an exhibition game of one-on-one for their admirers to admire wherever they went.

Minister of Men Who Would Like to be Taller Stuart Young, and Commissioner of Histrionic Heroics Gary “Two 'o We is One Bad Dorg Family and Bandit 'Fraid the Both o’ We” Griffith then walked off together, admiring one another.

A release from the Ministry of National Masculine Insecurity later announced the minister had formally given himself permission to wear Chelsea gear, so that he and Gary would match as they dealt with criminals like the Law Association, civic pressure groups and Crystal Palace.

BC Pires twists the mantra of “Firetruck 'em if they can’t take a joke” into “Mock 'em if they can’t be serious themselves." Read a longer version of this column tomorrow at www.BCPires.com

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