Dear-O Maduro

THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY

AN OPEN letter to the embattled legal dictator of Venezuela (never mind that it was mainly him who foutie-well put himself in his own monkey pants), written in the style of the Trinidadian who well-feel he could eh-speak eh-Spanish like Al Pacino in Scarface, becaw, one time, 20 years ago, in form dos, he did write nearly a whole essay in eh-Spanish

Dear-O Maduro,

Que pasta and thing-o? Yo hope-o that usted-o are okay-o, pero yo no comprende, as hombre, how usted-o could really be-o okay-o, in truth-o, with all them thing-o what going on over-o there-o. Cuando yo watch-o how hombre-kind-o protesting-o in the calle and them in Caracas, is one setta ’Panyol like ants in sugar, yeah oui, so mucho people-o, yo can’t-o even see-o the calle itself, no barber-o-green-o at all-o, becaw it have-o more-o people-o on the street-o than 3canal band on Jouve-o morning-o in Port-o-Spain-o.

Ahora, Nicolas, yo have-o to tell-o you-o, as hombre, yo on usted-o side-o, you hear, breds? As hombre, yo feel-o that Caricom-o have-o the right-o approach-o: Venezuela is a sovereign-o nation-o, and is only all-you Venezuelan ’Panyol whereby could solve-o usted-o own problemas.

But eh-scooch-eh-me, Nicolas, mi hermano-o, usted-o catching your tail-o and yo can’t-o see-o a way out-o for usted-o, excepting usted-o resign-o. If-o usted-o don’t do that-o, them ’Panyol on the calles of Caracas go make arepas and empanadas out of usted-o and usted-o Cabinet-o.

Unless-o usted-o sic-o the army-o in they madre behind-o.

And it better-o for Yanqui to kill-o Venezelanos than usted-o.

Nicolas, is not-o that-o yo soy pro-Estados Unidos, neither Eastados Uni-tres, Uni-cuatros or Estados Uni-cincos. Yo comprende that-o usted-o blame-o El Tio Sam-o for todos usted-o problemas. And yo foutie-bueno comprende-o that, if the gringos and them-o have usted-o in they sights-o, is crapaud-o smoke-o your pipe-o!

Pero, Nicolas, mi perro, mi caballo, all them people-o filling up all them calle cyar be working-o for the CIA-o! Them go eat you like mango chow, Nicolas-o!

Eh-scooch-eh-me, hermano-o, yo watching Face-o-book-o and, every dia, somebody posting a new video of some hot-o chick-o giving civics or politics-o lesson-o on why usted-o not really legitimo. Yo done see ’bout mus’ be ocho or nueve or diez video-o whereby usted-o supposed-o to go-o.

Pero me ent business-o with that-o. Usted-o was democratically-o elected-o at some tiempo in the past-o, no maths-o in that-o! Usted-o pull-o some rapido tricks-o on usted-o own people-o, but it still clearly have-o a case-o that people-o who want-o to support-o usted-o could make to defend-o they own-o outlook-o. Cuando usted-o seeing-o that Caricom-o and the Jamaat-o both-o supporting usted-o, it bound to have-o some argumentado usted-o could hecho.

Yo no business-o neither with whether-o or not-o usted-o lose-o usted-o work-o becaw that Guaido tess-o appoint heself-o as president. It have-o dos side-o to every argumentado, yo done see that-o! The estupido people-o a la izquierda and los estupidos there on the derecho, the dos of them-o wasting-o tiempo arguing quien es more-o legitimo, usted-o or the Gauido tess-o.

Yo not charging usted-o with betraying-o usted-o people-o, I giving usted-o that for free, becaw usted-o clearly throw ’way dos-thirds of usted-o people-o. Cuando usted-o directly responsible-o for dos milliones of usted-os own citizens-os bussing it out-o of-o usted-o own pais, usted-o have lost-o the derecho to claim usted-o are the jefe de los people-os.

Nicolas, is like-o usted-o not watching out-o usted-o own window-o! Usted-o not seeing all-o them Panyol? Nicolas, usted-o ever hear about wall-to-wall carpet? Usted-o have-o wall-to-wall people-o in las calles de Caracas-o! Them not there to sing-o the national anthem-o! Them looking-o to pelt-o your tail-o into next-o week-o!

Usted-o need-o to watch-o what happen-o in Syria-o. Cuando that next-o dictator-o, Bashar al-Assad-o, decide-o not to go-o, them Russian-o and them-o move een one-tiempo and, since then, is war-o and starvation-o and murder-o for his own people-o.

Nicolas, it have-o dos real-o madman-o in high-o officio on both-o side o’ the Atlantic-o, and both-o o’ them madman-o just itching to go mano-a-mano, hermano! Usted-o have-o to comprende that is usted-o people-o whereby go get kill-o! Both-o Putin-o and Trump-o will mash up Venezuela and exterminate-o usted-o, uno para NATO y uno with gusto para just-for-so. Just-o to keep-o they own people-o at casa quiet, them-o will make-o Venezuela they battleground-o, and that go be groun-o-zero-o for usted-o.

Maduro, hermano, es tiempo to go-o. Rapido.

Usted-os sincerementados

Feliz Navidad

Viva la Bamba

Comrade-o Bay Say

BC Pires es una paloma blanca. Read a longer version of this column on Saturday at www.BCPires.com