Becoming your best self

ANNA MARIA MORA counselling psychologist

A COUPLE SUNDAYS ago, I was distracted in church. I looked around and saw young couples with babies and young children. Then I thought about Kayla-Marie Solomon-Cain, the 25-year-old woman, and her two young children. If she got married at 22 because she was pregnant, her children could not be no more than three years old.

In church our homilist spoke about true love as sharing in your partner’s hurts, disappointments, helping him or her through life’s journey and doing all in your power to make her/him happy.

Was Kayla-Marie happily married? In a Sunday newspaper, there was whole page dedicated to “How to achieve your dreams? – Mistakes you should avoid.” The mistakes listed do not mention getting married too early without knowing your purpose in life or learning about and pursuing your dreams.

There I was in church thinking about the “health and family life education” curriculum and what it teaches our young people? Did the man who hammered Kayla-Marie to death learn anything about himself and his life’s purpose? Was his purpose for being born to hammer this woman to death?

At birth, we are basically animals, with two biological instincts that motivate us. They are sex and aggression. We have to learn to be human. We have to learn that although we are born mammals just like the dogs, cats, cows and other mammals as we suckle our young, have hair on our skin, are warm blooded, we were created with two characteristics that make us different. We were created with the power to think for ourselves and to choose our good. On page 7 of a recent Catholic News, the Pope said, “Young people need well-formed consciences for marriage.”

Numerous times I wrote that the culture into which we are born nurtures our consciences. Culture gives us the prescriptions by which we must live, and the prohibitions which teach us to keep our society safe. We learn that we are our brothers’ and sisters’ keeper. If a child is born into a culture of violence that will be his/her orientation to life. If he or she is born into a drug culture, well, what behaviours do you think will be prescribed for him or her? We will not go into today’s Carnival culture.

I meet with young people to help them to manoeuvre the Carnival season. They learn that Carnival appeals to their sexual nature and we discuss how. They learn that maternity wards prepare for the influx of babies, nine months from Carnival. We discuss the fate of those babies who are conceived without a thought for their future?

One psychological theory talks about the fact that the best time for marriage is between 30 and 33 years for both men and women. This is the age at which we question the choices we made earlier. If we are of sound mind and are mentally healthy, we have the opportunity to restructure our lives. If not, we resign ourselves to our “fate.” Many become sick and live tortured lives.

Having sex, and getting pregnant at 22, without understanding your reason for walking this Earth and learning what you need to do to achieve your dreams, will not help you to become your best self. If you gave in to your sexual nature, life becomes difficult. When you get to 30 and, hopefully, still alive, you will begin to ask yourself, “What de &#$@ I find myself in.”

If you are full of faith and purpose, you will know deep in your gut that you were not created for never-ending unhappiness. You will probably have children and they will be exposed to the unhappiness. Their behaviours will reflect that unhappiness.

I beg you young people to get help to learn how to manage your sexual and aggressive natures. Learn about your divine nature. Know that behaviour change is not magic, it is hard work. If you don’t, you will be like animals which fight in the street. Children should not be brought into the world under these circumstances.

I heard many times in growing up that men’s brains are between their legs. It is the animal in men that is between their legs. Our sons and daughters must not be left to the mercy of their biology. They are human beings and must be taught to control their sexual and aggressive natures. They have the power to think for themselves and the power to choose their good. This is the divine in them. Are we doing this in our schools?

“In this Carnival season, when men lose their reason,” as David Rudder sang, we must not lose our power of choice. In the animal world there is no reason and only the strong survive. In our human world we want everyone to learn that we are reasonable human beings and are our brothers’ and sisters’ keeper.

RIP Kayla-Marie. No one was there to help you. No one stopped this “animal” who attacked you and beat you to a pulp in the street, with no thought of your children and their future.

To all the young girls and boys still in school or who just left school, do not let the animal in you tie you up. Know that understanding your sexuality is about understanding your humanity, your femininity, your masculinity, your power to think and to choose your good, your dreams and your attitude to life and your divinity.

To the Ministry of Education, and the Ministry of National Security which message is always “Behave allyuh self,” remember there is no magic wand. We must create spaces manned with professionals for children and young people to understand what is happening to them as they grow into puberty and beyond, or else we will continue to lose our men and women. Trinidad and Tobago will continue to be in jeopardy.