Flowers for fathers

JEROME TEELUCKSINGH

WE GIVE flowers to mothers, sisters, aunts and wives for their birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, and Mother’s Day. When do we give a bouquet of flowers to men and fathers? Sadly, we place flowers or a wreath on their coffins and gravesites. Who mandated that flowers are only to be given to females?

Craig D Lounsbrough, a counsellor from the US, believes fatherhood is about sacrifice and one which “will be absent of accolades” and “where rewards will be sparse.”

Fathers face numerous challenges including deconstructing stereotypes, removing barriers, crossing boundaries and destroying those walls which have created sadness, pessimism, loneliness and pain. We cannot fall into the trap of believing that fathers do not suffer from eating disorders or are not victims of domestic violence. We have to speak directly to those fathers who need help and not merely provide lip service.

No longer must fathers be invisible in homes and communities. Some are wrongly labelled as pigs, abusers, sexist, evil or rapists. Some of us make rules and long lists of how fathers can be better or behave. Who gave these people the authority to decide on what are the faults and inadequacies of fathers?

A fault of one father is another father’s strength. Fathers need to be comfortable with their emotions and feelings. One troubling question persists: who anointed people to list the criteria of toxic masculinity or the criteria of ideal fathers?

For Father’s Day, let us remember those fathers who are hospitalised with chronic physical illnesses, incarcerated, physically challenged, battling addictions, and who suffer from mental health issues.

There is a need for injecting kindness, empathy, trust, honesty and humility if we are serious about creating a more caring fatherhood. We need increased intake of tolerance when dealing with fathers who are stubborn. Real fatherhood is about support, bonding, sharing, balance, and respect.

Most fathers are sometimes seen as being emotionally challenged. Yes, some lack the emotional vocabulary to express themselves when interacting with friends and relatives. What does this mean? They seem to lack compassion, empathy and openness. A few fathers believe any public display of these emotions would be considered a weakness or feminine.

The suppression of these emotions often results in mental health issues including suicide and depression. It is worrisome to realise that governments are not allocating sufficient resources to assist troubled fathers.

And there are those fathers who experienced divorce/separation and are marginalised and alienated from their child or children. Sometimes there is a bad relationship that leads to separation or divorce. This leads to a cycle of blame and intense hatred of the husband or boyfriend. The issue is taken to the courts to be resolved and the female is granted custody. We cannot allow one incident to negatively influence our views.

Fathers are often depicted as being immune to trauma and pain, and as strong. Ama H Vanniarachchy, a Sri Lankan writer and journalist, once wrote, “A father’s tears and fears are unseen, his love is unexpressed, but his care and protection remains as a pillar of strength throughout our lives.”

One of the challenges facing fathers is the inability to understand ourselves. What does this mean? We are often not fully aware of the subtle and obvious factors that influence our thinking and behaviour. These factors help shape our emotional language.

Some fathers claim to be independent, but we are far from this independence status. This is the dilemma that the men’s movement is facing and will confront in the future – how can we decide what it harmful and what is useful?

The good father does not necessarily mean a good provider. For instance, the unemployed father who spends quality time with his partner/wife and children must be applauded. Frank Pittman believed, “Fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man.” I agree.

We know of people whose job descriptions are "personal trainer," "life coach" or "social media influencer." These are people who would seek to assist and have a positive impact. Maybe there are new roles to create such as "father coach," "father trainer" or "daddy influencer."

We cannot fall into the trap of believing that fathers do not suffer from eating disorders or that they are not victims of human trafficking.

Yes, we need more inspired and motivated father figures. Undoubtedly, there is a need for better fathers, nephews, uncles, husbands, stepfathers, brothers and grandfathers. Let us appreciate them and even though they have faults, let us embrace them. No father must be left behind!