Addicted to abuse: How trauma bonds leave us in chains

Kanisa George

THE HUMAN experience can be described as a compilation of bonds and connections through which we sustain relationships. Whether our experience is underscored by good, bad, or quite frankly confusing interactions, its existence will forever impact the tapestry of our lives.

Trauma is no stranger to life and its enigmas, but we pivot and muddle through difficult times with the knowledge that the sun also rises. Still, in every experience we encounter, we inevitably store fragments of it in our subconscious. While some experiences merely saunter by leaving a sweet rendition for us to reminisce, others remain for the long haul while we feed and buy into their toxic traits.

Even when our status quo can only be described as a malignant, cancerous beast, we still cannot escape it. We somehow cannot escape the trauma.

Nothing rings truer than the adage, “You are a product of your environment,” and this is the case even when the experience is denoted by abuse, manipulation or trauma.

Even if we believe we have what it takes to get out of highly toxic interactions, it is only when we have forged a connection with someone that we realise it isn’t so easy to wiggle our way out of situations we once thought we could handle.

“I not taking that!!!!” “I ain’t staying in no abusive relationship.”

When you think about it, the outside-looking-in vantage point is a very privileged place to be, as it doesn’t always factor in the emotional attachment that can arise from a repeated cycle of abuse, devaluation, and cleverly crafted positive reinforcement.

Very few of us realise that even when one is faced with the experience of abuse or control, an invisible attachment can occur, making it extremely difficult to end these relationships.

This invisible attachment, which is known as a trauma bond, is a psychological response to abuse and one that is characterised by a cycle of abuse and remorse. Dutton & Painter, 1981, state that this ongoing intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that resist change.

It is not only prevalent in romantic relationships, but trauma bonds can also exist between friends and, more commonly, between a parent and a child. Registered psychotherapist Natacha Duke, MA, RP, explains that it occurs when a person who is or has been abused feels a connection to their abuser. This connection is based on the abuse that the person has or is enduring – whether emotional or physical.

While common in abusive relationships, not everyone who experiences abuse falls prey to this unpleasantry. However, this connection develops typically when the abused person begins to develop sympathy or affection for their abuser, leading to a strong emotional attachment.

One study by Saunders (1999) explains trauma bonds as an unresolved form of insecure attachment in which the capacity for self-regulation is impaired by the alternately abusive and protective actions of an attachment figure.

When we exhibit unhealthy attachment styles like preoccupied attachment, we may become overly dependent on others to provide support and comfort. In an abusive relationship, this attachment style can give way to developing trauma bonds.

When it comes to abuse, trauma bonding is one of the key instruments used to fuel its existence, and periods of calm and reconciliation are what an abuser uses to further tap into this attachment.

After an incident of violence or threat, an abuser would find ways to reconcile this behaviour by using grand gestures such as gifts or being overly kind to make up for their previous behaviour. This is then followed by a period of calm in which the person experiencing the abuse will justify the toxic behaviour.

Situations of abuse are far from clear-cut, and it can sometimes take considerable willpower to see through the manipulation. But if you find yourself constantly ignoring red flags, hiding things from loved ones or justifying your partner’s harmful action, it might be worth considering whether a trauma bond is fuelling your relationship.

If it is, here are a few noteworthy things to consider. Natacha Duke suggests, first and foremost, learning the difference between relationship conflict and trauma bonding. “It’s not the conflict, but the way that the conflict is happening; it’s the pattern that should be examined.”

Abusive relationships often follow a pattern of gaslighting, manipulation and blaming. To determine whether a relationship is healthy, she suggests looking at how conflict is handled. “It’s important to think about what a healthy relationship looks like, but also, what does healthy conflict look like?”

Seek advice from others. According to Duke, this is the only way to gain perspective outside your relationship’s bubble. It is important to see things from a different viewpoint, and by simply being vocal and talking about things, you can gain clarity on your experiences.

Consider professional help. Dissecting the complexities of an abusive relationship might prove somewhat tricky to unpack, so soliciting the assistance of a professional can help you understand the complex emotions you may be experiencing and chart a way forward towards healing.

We all have baggage, and our emotional traumas are often our greatest enemies. However, understanding them might be the key to realising our strengths, allowing us to move forward in light and positivity.