Kin-keeping women

Kanisa George

AS WE AGE, we feel a powerful pull to forge a life of our own. First, it starts with having the courage to step outside the cocoon of our parent's protection, however liberating or scary that might seem. Then we use all the strength and tears within us to find our footing in a sea of uncertainty and chaos. Adulthood is tough work, and sometimes, unfortunately, requires us to venture far away from our familial relationship in order to discover who we are. For those who are firm believers in biblical teachings, even the great book emphasises the coming-of-age ritual of leaving one's home.

"Therefore, a man will leave his father and his mother and will join with his wife, and they will be one flesh." While this passage notably refers to the merging of two by the act of marriage, it also contains a powerful lesson about the natural progression of leaving one's parents to establish a new household.

Venturing forth and claiming a new life for oneself does not obliterate the desire or need to maintain relationships with our kin. With the exception of those toxic, emotionally damaging relationships that we avoid by their very nature, kin-keeping is a crucial part of our development as adults and, in some cases, is imperative to our transition into adulthood.

Kin-keeping refers to the efforts made by individuals to maintain and nurture family ties. It entails crafting activities related to maintaining family relationships, passing down traditions, and keeping the family's heritage alive. Social literature defines the kin-keeper as a family communicator who helps the extended group stay in touch by sharing family news and planning gatherings.

In today's ever-changing, fast-paced world, maintaining the life you've built for yourself while trying to maintain some semblance of the one you were born into is in no way an easy feat. Planning family outings and get-togethers and managing personalities are a tall order, and the more complicated the family dynamic is, the more intricate kin-keeping becomes.

Kin-keeping envisages bonding activities that ensure members stay connected. Cooking together, sharing important events and traditions like birthdays and holidays, recipe swapping, and organising events to keep in touch with relatives are some ways kin-keepers navigate and maintain interactions.

An article in the New York Times cited that, in the last few decades, sociology and psychology researchers have expanded the definition to include things like buying gifts for birthdays and holidays, co-ordinating medical care and performing all sorts of emotional caregiving.

Task-heavy, to say the least, kin-keeping, some may argue, is a form of invisible labour dedicated to family bonding and magic-making, which falls solely, or more times than we can count, on women's shoulders. Even with the welcomed changes in gender roles, researchers have found little change in the allocation of gender roles related to kin-keeping.

Researcher Dawn O Braithwaite, a professor emeritus of communication studies at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln who coauthored a 1996 and follow-up 2017 study on the issue, found there was little to no remarkable change regarding who played the role of kin-keeper, with more than 91 per cent of the participants who were women volunteering themselves as kin-keepers.

Eve Rodsky, a writer, researcher and activist for a fair division of labour at home, believes kin-keeping is still done mainly by women because "We still have a huge time disparity in how women and men use their time." When women set boundaries on their caregiving time, she added, they can experience guilt and shame.

Even with improvements in technology and accessibility, women are mainly at the forefront, leading to charge and maintaining and sustaining familial relationships.

And this sometimes-rewarding endeavour may have dire consequences on a woman's health.

Recent studies suggest that the quality of relationships maintained through kin-keeping activities profoundly affects an individual's health and well-being. Although one can gain positive intangible benefits by giving time and energy to building family bonds, kin-keepers may also experience stress and exhaustion. Because the emotional labour of maintaining relationships with the family usually falls on women, this adds another layer of pressure to be the ones who are there for other family members.

One study found that the invisible labour aspect of kin-keeping can contribute to chronic stress, potentially leading to health issues such as hypertension or depression. Further, caregivers may experience emotional fatigue, which can manifest as feeling overwhelmed or burned out.

Importantly, women who are tasked with maintaining family connections often run the risk of operating from a place of glass half empty. Moments for self-care and attention are few and far between, and well-being and satisfaction usually find themselves in the lower echelons.

So, how can women properly navigate kin-keeping?

Consider allocating responsibilities for a more even-keeled distribution of tasks. While you might be at the helm of it all, delegating may allow you to use your time elsewhere. Setting clear boundaries and expectations, and learning to say no when necessary, can also help women navigate kin-keeping more effectively. It's important to remember that you don't have to do it all, and it's okay to ask for help when needed.

Be transparent about expectations and responsibilities, especially when planning celebrations and caring for elderly family members. While navigating numerous personalities can be challenging, clearly understanding roles and expectations can reduce confusion and conflict.

One expert believes that leveraging technology can simplify kin-keeping. From group chats to shared calendars, technology can be harnessed to co-ordinate and manage family interactions efficiently, empowering you to manage your kin-keeping responsibilities effectively.

The desire to lead your own life can sometimes be at odds with the need to maintain familial connections. Creating or fostering strong, close family bonds, while important for your well-being, can be a challenging and sometimes overwhelming task. I guess in the end, even with the desire to keep things going, we should be mindful of ourselves and how best we can maintain our individuality when seeking to be the gatekeeper for everyone else.