Can't we just be friends?

Kanisa George

MAN AND woman cannot be friends!

During my short time navigating this complex life, I may have heard this position more than a dozen times. For those who fiercely advocate this narrative, there might be some truth to their reluctance. After all, men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

By way of real-life examples, it is undoubtedly possible to coexist outside of a sexual, intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex. But when I think about the vast number of opponents to this arrangement, it leads me to believe that a clean, platonic relationship between two heterosexual members of the opposite sex might not be the easiest thing to pilot.

Especially when a romantic relationship is in play, most people are resolved to keep their interactions with friends of the opposite sex to a minimum, even if this friendship predates their romantic endeavour.

Is the idea of a wholesome, purely platonic relationship between a heterosexual man and woman so blasphemous that we automatically avoid engaging? Or can two mature adults of opposing sexes hold the same space for each other as they do in their same-sex friendships?

Do you believe the supposition that a man and a woman can't be friends holds any weight?

A healthy human existence depends on thriving social interaction. Enduring relationships, such as kinship, mateship, and even the sometimes-puzzling nature of friendships, are crucial to our development and survival.

Friendship, in particular, can support our well-being and emotional state far better than some familial relationships and anchor us when romantic relationships fall apart.

No relationship exists without drawbacks, for a betraying friend can have fatal consequences. Still, studies show that the complexities of friendships are far more nuanced when they involve parties of the opposite sex.

Kaplan and Keys's study on sexuality and relationships found that more than half of men and some women report sexual attraction to their opposite-sex friends. Both sexes admitted to experiencing ambiguity about the sexual boundaries in their opposite-sex friendships, which, according to them, influenced their behaviour if the possibility arose of a perceived benefit. And this benefits/cost ratio is one of the complexities of this friendship dynamic.

Because of this, cross-sex friendships are more complex than both same-sex friendships and romantic partnerships, as the latter relationships have a clear demarcation in heterosexist societies. The primary and perhaps most undisputed danger in cross-sex friendship is the existence of an unspoken attraction. And while your intentions might be to foster a genuine, wholesome interaction, the other party might have something else in mind.

Bleske-Rechek & Buss highlighted that sexual attraction is one of the most important reasons for initiating a cross-sex friendship.

It is this frightening reality that empowers us to reject the opposite-sex friendship possibility, especially when one of the parties is in a committed sexual relationship. As one writer sums it up, "We may think we're capable of being 'just friends' with members of the opposite sex, but the opportunity (or perceived opportunity) for 'romance' is often lurking just around the corner, waiting to pounce at the most inopportune moment."

I mean, think about it: many romantic relationships blossomed because someone in the initial friendship was harbouring feelings for the other. Maybe they patiently waited for the perfect time to seek their interest, or perhaps it was only when the opportunity presented that those feelings manifested: perceived benefit and cost.

Whatever the dilemma, the safety of a budding friendship was the spark that ignited the flames.

What is also telling about cross-sex friendships is not only the difference in dynamic compared to other relationships, but also the difference in perceptions held by each party. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships presented a mind-boggling finding on the perception of women vs men who both shared a cross-sex friendship.

"Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa and were also more likely to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them."

The findings also suggested that men's estimate of how attractive they were to their female friends had virtually nothing to do with how these women felt and almost everything to do with how the men felt.

Astonishingly, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual and were blind to their female friends' actual level of romantic interest.

Women, on the other hand, were blind to the mindset of their opposite-sex friends. They assumed this lack of attraction was mutual because they were generally not attracted to their male friends.

In summary, these results suggest that men, relative to women, have a tough time being "just friends," which lends credence to the fact that two people can have very different outlooks from the same experiences. Notably, men and women may have completely different views on being "just friends."

The man/woman friendship paradigm is a nuanced and complex one to navigate, but it is not impossible. Psychologist Linda Sapadin argues that the infiltration of women in every walk of life has made it possible for men and women to successfully become close friends, though it may be tricky. To make it work, Don O'Meara, PhD, at the University of Cincinnati-Raymond Walters College, has defined four significant challenges that cross-sex friends must overcome.

O'Meara preaches that the first two challenges to overcome have to do with defining both emotional and sexual aspects of the interaction. First, consider the type of emotional bond shared and be willing to be open about confronting sexuality in the relationship. A friendship attraction where you can confidently overcome any obvious attraction is the first step in a healthy cross-sex relationship.

Once you can overcome this, O'Meara suggests that how your relationship is presented to others and how well gender roles are respected is the next step. Cross-sex friends must be willing to reassure their romantic partners that the friendship is not a threat. It is equally important to set boundaries regarding how the relationship is presented to others, such as friends, family and co-workers.

One interesting takeaway from studies on cross-sex relationships is the benefits. While research finds that men benefit far more than women from cross-sex friendships, women also reflected on the emotional support they received from their male friends.

Men rated cross-sex friendships as being much higher in overall quality, enjoyment and nurturance than their same-sex friendships, while women felt friendships with men are lighter and more fun. Some also liked the protective, familial and casual warmth they experienced in their friendship with men, as it was akin to having a big brother looking out for them.

Interactions between men and women are complex, and they prove far more complicated when the lines are blurred. But if you feel strongly about your friendship attraction to someone of the opposite sex, don't be put off by the widely touted consensus. While it is not always easy to define, it is more than possible for men and women to be "just friends."