Step-parents and teens

Dr Asha Pemberton

teenhealth.tt@gmail.com

DUE TO the dynamics of adult relationships, more and more young people are blended into families with step-parents. After single parenthood, widowhood, or divorce, when a parent marries (or remarries) a step-relationship is created between one’s teens and the new partner.

The journey of step-parenthood is complex. Despite coming from different living situations, social experiences, personal values, past histories and prior and ongoing attachments, the step-parent and step-teens are thrust into household intimacy. They are now expected to accommodate these differences to function as a family unit.

Challenges arise as everyone figures out how to act and react, how to fit in, deal with differences, and get along. In addition, young people are often dealing with the grief and loss of their biological parent or prior family structure, which only serves to further complicate matters.

In general, adjustment to this reconstituted family is easier with younger children. For adolescents, who themselves are navigating their own identity development, parent rebellion and testing boundaries, the presence of a new adult can be difficult. For step-parents, there are challenges determining the limits of their authority, competition for time and for many their first experience of parenting may be as a step-parent.

A factor that can assist step-parents who may be encountering extreme teenage resistance is taking the time to appreciate some of the adjustment demands that the new parental relationship can make on an adolescent.

Personal boundaries

Young people are uniquely sensitive about their personal space and privacy. It is challenging enough for parents to supervise and control young people who fiercely resist intrusion into their rooms and belongings. The addition of another adult into the home generally feels like an invasion. In addition to their perceptions of “more eyes watching them,” young people sometimes feel irritated at the space their step-parents assume. They feel a sense of unfairness and loss.

At the outset, family meetings are recommended to make clear decisions regarding parenting roles and access to teen’s living spaces so that they feel empowered in the agreements and enjoy a sense of safety at home.

Space intimacy with a stranger

Unless there have been intentional efforts to build relationships and comfort between step-parents and teens, they will be considered to be strangers. In that context, dealing with a new adult in a closer role can be daunting.

Simple life experiences including walking around in nightwear can feel uncomfortable for teenagers who have not bonded with their step-parent. To them, it can be extremely awkward to see an adult in more relaxed states in “their” environment. It may require step-parents to gradually phase in how they operate within the home space to be as comfortable yet respectful of the fragile emotions of the teen.

Less attention to go around

Perhaps the primary concern of young people is the feeling of competition for their parent’s time. This is universally perplexing for step-parents as teens generally externally push parents away, while equally craving their attention. It is a paradox.

Step-parents should arm themselves with knowledge of adolescent development, especially if they have not parented their own tweens or teens prior. Recognising the features of grief and also attention seeking assists step-parents in navigating teen emotions and diffusing conflict.

Above all, step-parents should recognise their new role in shaping the life of their step-teens and understand their own parenting styles and approaches.

Manage your expectations. For step-parents, embarking on the new role can be equally exciting or daunting. A good first step is to take the time to consider your own expectations and emotions. Some have long awaited the opportunity to parent, others are already very experienced and for others still, parenting was not initially a part of their life plan. Without judgement, each step-parent should assess their perspective authentically, as it heavily influences their approaches and future success.

As with all things, in times of struggle, extreme conflict or feeling overwhelmed, seek support. Resources exist for step-parents who enter the role through all types of life experiences. The goal overall is to be a positive force in the life of young people, a role which should be considered thoughtfully.