Dealing with emotional abuse

Dear AFETT,

I have noticed a trend with my husband. He is well accomplished while I am now picking up in my career.

Every time I have a minor win and I share it with him, I’ve noticed that although he is congratulatory and says he is supportive, shortly after he becomes very derisive and he picks at me for my "failings" as a wife and mother. Everything becomes an issue in the household.

These fights and arguments have been getting worse, and while he has not been physically violent, he has made threats. For example, he said he would burn the house down if I could not keep it clean. I am also a bit scared of what he may do.

I’m tired, burnt out and feel as though I am losing it. At any given moment, I am five seconds away from cursing, crying or collapsing. Am I going crazy? Where can I get help?

Dear Carol,

You are not going crazy for feeling the way you do.

Your feelings are valid and present good reasons for a pause to reflect on the behaviours/interactions between yourself and your spouse, and to possibly seek help, as the issue seems to be escalating.

We have heard the old adage that, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me." This, however, does not always hold true, as words can cause mental and psychological harm.

The trending behaviours/actions being displayed by your husband seem to be wearing on your self-worth and confidence; have you second-guessing yourself and these actions may be contributing to you having a range of emotions. Belittling you, making you feel threatened or fearful, and causing feelings of inferiority can be classified as emotional abuse. Now, Carol, many people associate the word "abuse" with physical violence; however, physical abuse is only one type of abuse.

What Is emotional abuse?

According to the Domestic Violence Act, No 18 of 2020, as amended, "Emotional or psychological abuse means a pattern of behaviour of any kind, the purpose of which is to undermine the emotional or mental well-being of a person."

Another comprehensive definition of emotional abuse highlighted by the National Domestic Violence Hotline reads: "Emotional abuse is a pattern of non-violent behaviour in which the perpetrator insults, humiliates and generally instils fear in an individual in order to control them."

The tricky thing with emotional abuse is that it does not leave physical marks, so you may believe what you are experiencing may not be taken seriously by friends, family or authorities; you might think you are overreacting or misinterpreting what is being said.

I recall watching the Netflix movie, Maid, a show that puts a spotlight on emotional and mental abuse. When the main character was being advised to make a report to the police regarding the abuse, she said, "What am I going to do, call the police and say he didn’t hit me?" The character believed that because the abuse was not physical, it was not abuse.

Emotional abuse is insidious in nature. As you have highlighted, the unpredictable shift in the attitude of your spouse from being congratulatory to the sharp dips, to being severely critical, can put you on an emotional rollercoaster. It is important to know that emotional abuse can also be the foundation/gateway to other types of abuse.

Red Flags

Listed below are some emotional abuse red flags to examine. This is not an exhaustive list and you can find other signs of emotional abuse online. Are any of the undermentioned emotionally abusive behaviours reminiscent of your experiences with your husband?

– Blaming: When your partner continuously faults you for their reactions and does not take responsibility for their behaviours. This makes you feel guilty, as though you are the problem.

– Criticising/Guilt tripping: Interrupting you, nit-picking and making you feel as though your contributions are inferior, you are not fulfilling your role and you are not good enough. You are constantly picked on by your husband for your "failings" in the household.

– Dismissing: Your thoughts, values or opinions are overlooked or treated as being of little worth, which can make you feel unimportant. Over time, you may question if your input has any value.

– Threatening: Persistent intimidation by the use of abusive or threatening language. An example you highlighted was that your husband has made threats to burn down the house if you could not keep it clean.

– Gas lighting: According to Forbes Health, “Is making someone seem or feel unstable, irrational and not credible, making them feel like what they're seeing or experiencing isn't real, that they're making it up, that no one else will believe them.” It is a very prevalent form of emotional abuse.

Where to seek help?

There are several avenues where you can learn more about emotional abuse and domestic violence, their impact on your mental/emotional state and the support systems available to help you overcome and stop being a victim. Some of the organisations that can provide support are:

– Company EAP: Some organisations have an Employee Assistance Programme (EAP) service in place which offers professional social services such as counselling, mediation and referral to other agencies. These services are available to employees and their families. It is noteworthy to mention that the TT Chamber launched the Domestic Violence in the Workplace Policy in June 2019 as they saw this issue as a critical matter which negatively impacts the work performance of both victims and perpetrators. Some companies have adopted this policy and support services are available to workers in need.

– TTPS Victim and Witness Support Unit: This is a civilian-led unit that offers psycho-social support services to people who are victims or witnesses of crime.

– National Domestic Violence Hotline: This is a toll-free hotline where you can speak to a trained representative to access counselling services.

– Coalition Against Domestic Violence: Dial 627-6844 or 624-0402.

If you do feel unsafe, please go to the nearest police station or dial 999.

Self-care tips

– Reflect on the actions, words or behaviours that have you feeling uncomfortable and unsafe, and research them to recognise which are indicative of abuse.

– Keep a journal of incidents, so you can begin to express your inner feelings.

– Tap into your support systems such as trusted family or friends.

– Getting help such as counselling or joining a support group is always recommended.

– Remember that abuse is never your fault.