Finding solutions to thechallenges of parenthood

Debbie Jacob

IN MY TIME facing rebellious teenagers, I turned to books by psychologists to boost my confidence and improve my communication skills. Twenty years ago, I didn’t have to face competition from the internet when raising my teens.

We had dial-up internet. You pushed a button to connect; then cooked your supper, ate it, came back to your computer and found the internet might be 60 per cent uploaded. By then my children had found other distractions or it was bedtime. But there was a tug-of-war over independence.

Raising children hasn’t got easier, but books can help us face many challenges and help us to become happier, more confident individuals.

Here are some of my recommendations:

Does your teen TALK? No, but they Text, Snap & TikTok: Parenting Teens: 10 Subjects every parent should ask their TEEN to get them TALKING more in a digital world by Nicole Rice – Competing with the internet and social media for your children’s attention often feels impossible. This book gives important tips about creating communication opportunities and taking charge of your children’s lives. Technology is important. The trick is to find the right balance.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber – I used this book with my students and my children when it hit the market in 1980 and found it helpful in avoiding emotional battles. The book gives good, practical examples of effective communication. You can encourage communication or feed anger. The choice is yours. In 2012, publishers introduced a new edition of this book to include strategies for dealing with children and teens living in the digital age. It has 11,500 reviews on amazon.com.

The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist's Survival Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults by Frances E Jensen – Neuropsychologists have contributed greatly to our understanding of how the teenage brain works. We now know that teenagers and young adults still have developing brains that can’t always comprehend important decision-making strategies at this age. Knowing what you’re dealing with helps you to develop positive strategies for communicating with and supporting your teenager.

The Cyber Effect: A Pioneering Cyberpsychologist Explains How Human Behavior Changes Online by Mary Aiken – How does the internet suck us into cyberspace and affect the way we think? This expert unravels the internet’s power to manipulate our thinking and change the way we view news and people.

The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness by Jonathan Haidt – Written by a social psychologist, this book begins with a jolting scenario of a company advertising for parents to participate in an experiment by sending their children to live on Mars.

Playing with readers’ minds, Haidt initially presents an exciting possibility that sucks in the undiscerning mind. But as we read on and use our critical thinking skills, we realise how crazy this proposition is. The anecdote sets the mood and stage for the rest of the book which looks at how the internet developed without any knowledge of its negative impact on our thinking skills. Adolescent depression, anxiety and suicides are on the rise and the author explains why.

Essentialism; The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown – Life has become fast-paced and out of control. We put in longer hours at work and sacrifice time with our families. This book gives practical advice for creating priorities. It’s a blueprint for learning how to say no and getting more time to enjoy your life.

Joyful by Ingrid Fetell Lee – As an interior designer, the author knows how much fulfilment we get from our physical surroundings. She shows how objects and colours uplift us and bring joy. In many ways, Lee reminds us that we are in charge of our environment, something we lose sight of in this computer-driven world. She features Peter Minshall’s work as an example of how design and art create joy. Small, inexpensive changes reap huge benefits and can transform a home.

Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt by Peg Streep – This book shows the result of not fixing our communication issues. Many of us feel our mothers had a favourite child and were purposely mean to another child. Street discusses why this happens and explains the damage it does. Ultimately, we all have the power to be fair.

These books remind us that we can find solutions to the challenges of parenthood in this internet-driven world, take control of our lives and work on better communication skills.