Your opinions are welcomed

KANISA GEORGE

ADVANCING TO a new season in our lives requires us to be open-minded about the challenges that lie ahead and cognisant of the lessons that taint our past. For better or worse, most of what we do is judged, analysed and appraised by those with a front-row seat to our lives.

Like it or not, what we do and often the way we react is influenced by our target audience, and their opinions of us weigh far heavier than any of us wish they did. After all, no one likes to feel judged. All things considered, we learn from everything and everyone around us, and sometimes those lessons come in the form of critique.

If you’re a new mom, learning the ins and outs of the kitchen or trying your hand at a new skill, you’re bound to run into the opinions of others, especially regarding how well you’re getting on. It’s all fun and games when your audience sings your praises, and let’s not forget about the much-needed self-esteem boost that accompanies positive commentary.

Contention, on the far end, weasels its way into the narrative when unsavoury comments, suggestions, or remarks are hurled our way, without invitation. And we all know the impact that this can potentially have on not just our self-esteem, but our emotional state of mind.

While a negative response might not always be welcomed, our reaction to criticism, however revolting it might be, is a natural psychological response. It all has to do with the way our brain responds to the message received.

Naturally, our brain registers criticism as a threat and automatically sends out alarm signals similar to those of a physical attack. Psychologist Daniel Goleman sums this up as our “brains viewing criticism as a threat to our survival.”

Because our brains are protective of us, neuroscientists say they go out of their way to make sure we always feel like we’re in the right – even when we’re not. And when we receive criticism, our brain tries to protect us from the threat it perceives to our place in the social order of things. Goleman summarises that “threats to our standing in the eyes of others are remarkably potent biologically, almost as those to our very survival.”

It goes without saying that no one likes to receive negative feedback or have their flaws spotlighted, but there are times when the critique we receive only goes to support our growth and well-being. And I am not talking about feedback of a positive kind.

Negative feedback can be used as a source of power and growth if we can reasonably determine its utility. Of course, it won’t be hard to find people who are hell-bent on hurting us and use venom, crouched in the form of criticism, to throw us off course emotionally.

As they say, such unhelpful criticism should be taken with a pinch of salt because your critic isn’t always right. But don’t let this be your starting point. As in most things in life, having an open mind is the first thing we should endeavour to do when we receive feedback.

Ellen Hendricksen, a psychologist at Boston University’s Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders, advises that you can always reject criticism that does not match what your core beliefs tell you is correct, for feedback in most cases is an opinion shaped by the giver’s context, values and place in life.

Ask yourself this question: what does this feedback say about my actions or approach?

We get so caught up in immediately assuming that we are being vilified that we listen to react instead of understand.

Not only should active listening be of paramount importance, but we should also listen to engage. Ask questions that will help you better understand how you can improve and how best to apply those changes. Use this opportunity to understand the message behind the feedback.

Be slow to respond!

When we receive negative feedback, most of us are quick to respond. And often our immediate response isn’t a positive one. Instead of a quick response, we should listen and consume before we say anything.

Charles Jacobs, author of Management Rewired: Why Feedback Doesn’t Work, espoused an exciting perspective on how we view criticism. Jacobs theorises that we often don’t remember criticism correctly. He adds that when we hear information that conflicts with our self-image, our instinct is to change the information first rather than ourselves.

What’s even more interesting about this finding is that while we are more likely to remember incorrectly, our negative bias doesn’t prevent us from forgetting it. We wear the feedback as negative trauma instead of a springboard to growth.

Feedback is needed to help our growth, and what we do with it can influence not only what we learn about our surroundings and others, but also about ourselves. Use criticism, no matter how negative, to your advantage instead of being a slave to its hold.