'My expectations must be met!'

Kanisa George

NO MATTER how hard we try and how much we prepare for the worst, at some point in our lives the sting of disappointment will be upon us. No one goes through life expecting the worst or a negative outcome, and as much as possible most of us may choose to live on the side of positive thinking. Sometimes that’s the best way to live, for there’s too much negativity around us to harp on incessantly about all the ways things could go awry. But, like clockwork, upset finds us, and it’s usually far from what we expected.

For most of us, nothing is welcoming about the unexpected. Situations we didn’t plan for can derail our progress and easily dismantle our equilibrium, making the art of bouncing back a far distant thought.

But here’s the funny thing about unexpected outcomes: as much as they surprise us, sometimes their venom penetrates far deeper because of the expected reality we held so dear to our hearts. It’s possible that we are shocked by the unexpected because we planned our lives around an outcome we’ve created in our minds. Can our expectations rather than the unexpected be the actual cause of our pain?

Expectations are personal beliefs about events that may or may not happen, developed from a complex combination of our experiences, desires and knowledge of the environment or the people around us.

This subjective and objective anticipation cocktail lends credence to what we expect from almost every situation.

Do we expect a bad outcome? Very few of us do. Even when there is a strong possibility that things will go very wrong, we pay little attention to the possible reality, especially when there is so much riding on a positive outcome. After all, we’ve been taught that if we work hard, sacrifice our free time and really stay focused on our goals, we’ll achieve the outcome that we not only worked for but deserve.

It is only fair, right? But life doesn’t always work that way. In fact, life seldom works that way, as we are often required to pivot, adjust and accept the reality that comes our way.

Should we then consider managing our expectations?

Expectations matter far more than we realise, as they influence how we see, exist and properly function in the world. Not only do we set these standards for ourselves, but we place expectations on others around us.

When we contemplate an expected outcome, it is natural to feel disappointed when it has not been achieved. It is when disappointment leads to frustration, disillusionment and an unrealistic hold on our perception that our interaction with our expectations is called into question.

Someone once compared expectations to a stalker, continuously bombarding us with illusions and pretensions. Having expectations isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I would even go out on a limb and suggest that even setting high standards for yourself and others, once reinforced healthily, can potentially do a world of good. Expectations, according to one researcher, function as a way to prepare us for action and can sometimes act like an inner compass.

When we become obsessed with the projection of hope or a desire, either on events or on people, we allow an ambivalent future to take centre stage in our lives. We derail the now and focus on a future that might never see the light of day.

Most of us, myself included, are sometimes guilty of pinning our hopes for happiness on fulfilled expectations. In other words, our happiness becomes attached to an occurrence that may or may not happen in the future.

Because expectations are ingrained in our evolutionary experience, we must understand their value and rank them based on what they represent. Are your expectations based on experience, logic and reality? Or are they based on a fantasy you’ve created with the hope that it will magically come through?

Psychotherapist Moshe Ratan believes that unreasonable expectations can quickly shut down our goals, steer our lives in an unhealthy direction and sabotage our happiness. We become frustrated when our expectations aren’t met, as we believe the universe owes us something when we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment from the start.

Heck, even with all the hard work we put in on realistic expectations, they can sometimes go unmet.

Then how do we deal with expectations? Honestly, there isn’t a hard and fast rule, but starting by not allowing expectations to be the driving force in your life might be helpful. No doubt it’s a useful tool, but we must be equipped to deal with some level of fallout and adjust our reality. Have an open and frank conversation with yourself about what your expectations might be saying about you and your sense of self, and use this as a guiding tool to manage them.

Living in the right here and now far outweighs speculative living because, after all, there is some aspect of the life you’re living now that was once a mere expectation, and that, my friends, is magical living. Sometimes the best things in life are unexpected because we have no expectations.