Dealing with difficult teens

Dr Asha Pemberton

teenhealth.tt@gmail.com

A FRUSTRATING and even exasperating situation unfolds when a parent receives the “silent treatment” from their teen. Feelings are amplified when these changes are sudden and seem to arise from nowhere. Things are even more complex for parents when they previously enjoyed a close and communicative relationship with the young person.

Adolescence is a time of emotional upheaval and oscillation. For reasons that even they often cannot explain, moods change and irritability heightens randomly. A reasonable parental approach to these scenarios is to first maintain calm.

As young people attempt to manage the challenges of their lives on their own, they will drift into phases of communicating less. Although they desire to know, parents will not be totally aware of the friend, school and online dynamics that their young people navigate. When they seem easily fussed, give them the space to sort things out in their minds while reassuring them of your presence, if needed.

The primary challenge for parents during times of silence is figuring out whether there is cause for significant concern leading to the behavioural change. It is difficult to assess, after a few hours or one day, whether any sustained changes are evolving. Certainly, persisting changes that continue for days into weeks can be indicative of an underlying issue requiring intervention.

It is also important to determine whether the young person is avoiding parents only or if they are becoming reclusive from siblings, peers and interactions in general. When changes seem isolated, mild and of a short duration, there is likely little to panic about.

As sometimes devastating as it can be for parents, it is normal for young people to push-and-pull against and toward their parents for periods of time, especially as they try to solidify their identity and sense of autonomy.

There will also be times when young people make decisions and have to endure embarrassing outcomes. Naturally, they will be less inclined to share these moments when emotions are raw. Feeling needled and picked at to respond seldom lead to improvement. Instead parents should adopt a consistent and caring approach, reminding young people that they are available in a non-judgemental manner, whenever they feel ready to share.

The additive effects of fatigue and lack of understanding make it challenging for parents. That said, parents are still reminded that arguing, lecturing or attempting to make young people feel guilty for the changes are rarely effective. Typically, they lead young people to say even less and thus add to their distress.

At times of maximum frustration parents are encouraged to speak to other adults or professionals to get the support they need. In this way they can approach their young people with more level heads and open minds.

Of critical importance is the recognition that some mood variation is normal during the teen years. Young people today certainly have more inputs, exposure and pressure than generations before. It can simply become overwhelming from time to time. All of these are occurring in addition to the expected neurodevelopmental changes that all adolescents have experienced since the beginning of time.

Parents are most effective when they realise that parenting teens today must differ from the ways in which they were parented. It is simply a different time.

When young people demonstrate persisting changes to their mood, attitude, interactions and behaviour for more than two weeks, and especially if there is no clear trigger, then professional intervention is required.

As the end of the academic term period begins, parents will spend more time with their young people. More time, more communication and more connection all lead to a solid foundation from which upcoming challenges will be more effectively managed.