Should I be civil with my ex?

Kanisa George

VERY FEW relationships end on a high. Contrary to how they began, the demise of a relationship in most cases is undoubtedly marred by contention and enmity, with most players of the game refusing to re-engage.

It is usually hard to reconnect with a partner after a severed relationship, especially if one party has suffered far more hardship due to the relationship’s conclusion.

Most people, especially those who are unable to fully process a break-up or still find it hard to accept same, agree that putting distance between themselves and a past lover can be the best form of medicine. This also rings true for relationships of a platonic nature. When friends no longer see eye to eye and the relationship comes to a head, staying in one’s lane might provide a peaceful solution to an otherwise awkward or bitter end.

After the fall, and time has healed once gangrenous wounds, the thought of seeing, interacting or having a civil relationship with someone from your past feels less of a burden to carry than it once did.

Sometimes, time isn’t the only teacher, and circumstances might hold you hostage, leaving you no choice but to remain civil with your ex. You may both exist in a circle of mutual friends or have the unfortunate experience of seeing each other at work every day. The point remains that navigating the minefield that comes with interacting with an ex-companion is not always an easy feat.

In the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, a study published by Kellas, J; Bean, D; Cunningham, C; and Cheng, KY (2008) discussed the how and why related to contact with one’s ex. The results showed that for participants it was about their feelings towards their ex and the circumstances leading to the break-up that predicted contact.

The study found that people were more likely to communicate with exes if they still had feelings for them. They were also more likely to stay in touch with exes if they felt that the break-up was positive and characterised by understanding and a lack of mean and nasty behaviour. One finding of import revealed that those who reported they were not over their break-up were more likely than others to maintain contact with their ex.

Dr Gary W Lewandowski, Jr, professor and former chair in the Department of Psychology at Monmouth University in New Jersey, US, explains that for some, keeping the connection helps things stay civil and makes the transition less abrupt, especially when you do it for practical reasons like if you work together. But this can be an arduous task.

While maintaining some relationship with an ex might be the right move given the situation, Lewandowski Jr adds that staying friends with an ex is, unsurprisingly, linked to “depression, jealousy, heartbreak,” and even a “harder time finding a new romantic partner.”

So, should you be civil with your ex? Well, it depends on several factors, but what’s clear, if anything, is that there is no hard and fast rule.

But if you decide that cordiality is the best course of action, it is imperative you do so with a few things in mind.

Why do you want to remain civil?

Before engaging with an ex, consider why you want to be civil to start with. There are more than a handful of reasons to engage with an ex, but there are far more harmful reasons to avoid it. In particular, an ex who engages in abusive behaviour or is plagued by toxic traits should be avoided to prevent you from falling into a pattern of acceptance.

Also, if you still have strong romantic feelings towards an ex or feel you’re not quite over the relationship, maintaining close communication with the ex might not be the best idea. Sometimes having a close relationship with an ex might be unrealistic, and in such a case it might be best to move forward.

No matter how you feel about a break-up, give yourself time. In the aftermath of a relationship’s demise you might be tempted to reach out in a bid to figure things out. As inviting as this approach may seem, it doesn’t bode well for self-healing or discovery. Therapists suggest waiting for some time before reaching out. An adequate window of time allows both parties to reflect, rest and put things into perspective.

Even if it’s possible to maintain a cordial relationship with an ex, ensure that tightly placed boundaries are intact. Like in any relationship, especially with an ex, clearly defined boundaries are crucial. Be mindful of what kind of information is shared and how this is done, and put thought into the frequency of your interaction. These boundaries are especially important when new romantic pursuits come into play. The thing is, relationships are complicated, and even when they end a slew of even more complex matters arise.

If you’re trying to figure out whether civility works for you, it might be worth taking a deep dive into why you want it in the first place and whether you’re emotionally mature and ready to engage.