Sibling rivalry

Dr Asha Pemberton

teenhealth.tt@gmail.com

SIBLING RIVALRY is a remarkably normal feature of family life. While it may take the form of squabbles and bickering during early childhood, it can deteriorate into full-on arguments, fights and resentment during adolescence if not managed. While healthy doses of contest can sometimes help to push young people to do and be better, too much competition can be hurtful. This is particularly so if driven by parents, knowingly or unknowingly. Sibling rivalry can have lasting effects on teenagers, their self-esteem and future relationships.

In family dynamics, many factors lend themselves to siblings competing against each other. These include personality differences between extroverted and more demure youth, physical differences in stature or size, academic and performance differences, parental bias or just the perception by young people that favouritism is occurring.

Some young people, whose emotional needs are not met by their parents, learn to believe that they are unloved or rejected, even when this is not the case. Their experience of neglect leads to feelings of rivalry. For these reasons, parents need to continually assess and reassess their parenting strategies as children grow to ensure that they are not contributing to issues of rivalry. They equally need to make interventions to reduce harmful behaviours and experiences for their young people.

Resist comparisons. Every tween, teen and young adult is different, even within families. Although superficially this seems quite obvious, the tendency for parents to issue comparisons is natural and inevitable. Parents are required to be mindful of their own words and actions. Young people are keenly attuned to differences in treatment, privileges and punishments.

It is completely expected that differences in behaviour, performance or overall attitude may lead to differences in the pride felt by parents in a specific moment. These should be focused to the event and not applied to the overall worth of the child.

Parents are required to exercise caution in moments when they may be extremely proud of one teen while disappointed with another. Find opportunities to praise effort over outcome and be mindful that a heartbroken young person feels triple the pain when their parents and loved ones also express disappointment.

Be aware. It is critical for parents to recognise that even simple life events can be perceived differently by siblings. Similarly, major crises or experiences are handled in different ways. Each young person deserves to be parented in ways that support their needs. Blanket parenting approaches seldom achieve this.

Simple solutions to assist include taking time to celebrate the accomplishments of young people that are significant to them. Even if parents do not understand the significance of daily events at school, recognition by teachers or other such occurrences, if the young person is proud or happy, take the time to share their joy.

In order to then understand how these events affect them, parents need to take the time to communicate with each sibling separately, and also together in family time and so get the best understanding of the adolescent they are becoming. Their interests will change and so too the significance of events in their lives.

At times when there is a major difference in performance between siblings, hammering home the chasm seldom achieves any benefit. If one child has a specific learning, behavioural or other concern, seek to have it addressed rather than highlighting their challenge. Keep all language supportive and at times when parental frustration or fatigue peak, be aware enough to seek respite, support and guidance from professionals.

The home environment is supposed to be the safe nurturing space for all young people. If trauma develops due to uncontrolled rivalry, comparisons and even bullying, untold and long-lasting mental health complications can occur. These can threaten future well-being, self-esteem and relationships, but overall can be avoided with mindful awareness and intervention.