Sorry, not sorry

Kanisa George

IS IT too late now to say sorry? It might be.

But isn’t it odd that the older we get the more difficult sorry is to come by?

Whether we’re on the receiving end of an indiscretion or are fumbling to find the correct words to set things right, apologising doesn’t have the same ease it once did compared to when we were children.

The spirit of an apology can turn an otherwise complicated mess into a mature, light-hearted discussion. It might not be able to turn back the hands of time, but its powers can alter the course of our relationships.

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines an apology as an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret. While an apology does not always refer to mitigating or extenuating circumstances, it is most certainly an admission of guilt or fault in its truest form.

“Apologies should be part of our normal, everyday language,” says Dr Cedar Barstow, author of Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics, but sadly they aren’t. When apologies do form part of the narrative, they focus not on the harm experienced by the offended party but are crafted to justify the apologiser’s actions.

Although we know what is required after an injurious act, saying I am sorry can be difficult. Either we struggle to bring ourselves to admit that we’ve done wrong or have no clue where to start with an apology. Whatever our hang-ups, why is it so hard to say I am sorry?

Karina Schumann, PhD, of the University of Pittsburgh, shares that apologies have the potential to heal relationships, soothe hurt feelings, and even begin to address historical wrongs. They act like superglue to our relationships as they go a long way to show concern, that you care about the relationship and the person and want to make things right.

A meta-analysis of 175 studies showed that an apology was one of the most potent predictors of interpersonal forgiveness, greater than any demographic, personality, or relationship characteristic (Fehr et al, 2010).

Even so, as helpful as they can be, they’re not always easy to offer. Apologies are either ineffective or incomplete, and recent research found a rise in instrumental apologies or an apology that is merely a first reaction to skirt responsibility instead of honestly admitting wrong.

Disingenuous apologies are popular “I am sorry tactics” used to quickly end the conflict and wipe the slate clean without fully admitting wrongdoing. Opting for this choice or not even considering an apology might have something to do with vulnerabilities and skewed perceptions of how society views wrongdoers.

Dr Barstow believes that vulnerability and fear keep people from acknowledging mistakes. She shares that “shame can be a factor too, and maybe a sense of ‘I want to be a good person, and good people don’t make mistakes and have to apologise.’"

The bottom line is a thoughtful apology can mend a relationship and put awkward interactions to bed. A thoughtless one, however, may cause further conflict and damage bonds that took years to build. What that means is that effectively executing an apology is critical.

An apology should embody several variables, but sincerity is, above all, the most important.

Psychologist Elizabeth Scott writes that a sincere apology communicates genuine empathy, remorse and regret, as well as a promise to learn from your mistakes. Importantly, this is conveyed by what you say, how you say it, and the body language used.

When all else fails, saying “I am sorry” is an easy starting point. This, however, isn’t a quick-fix pill, but it can spark much-needed confidence to complete the job.

Timing is essential because an ineffective apology can lead to anger, resentment and hostility over time.

While it might be necessary to sit with the emotions that naturally flow from your actions, remember that a delayed apology can be an opportunity lost. Deep-rooted pain isn’t always quelled with the better-late-than-never approach.

An apology should be your way of taking responsibility for your actions. Don’t be quick to focus on the reason behind your actions but on the hurt you caused. Then once the lines of communication are open, explaining the reasoning behind your blunder might be possible if the scenario makes room for it.

In his book Effective Apology: Amending Fences, Building Bridges and Restoring, John Kador writes that an effective apology requires taking full responsibility for your offence without being defensive, making excuses, offering long explanations, or blaming anyone else.

Consider atoning for your actions. It’s one thing to say I’m sorry, but it’s another to make amends for your actions. Sometimes we must take action to make up for our wrongdoings, and an apology alone would not suffice. This might come in the form of expressing your desire to repair things and following up by actually making it right.

Saying I’m sorry isn’t a magical wand that stops the hurt caused by your transgression, and it is not always easily received. Sometimes the apology repair process can go on for weeks, even months, and there is no telling whether your relationship might return to where it once was. In that case, experts suggest asking follow-up questions such as, “Is there anything missing from my apology?” or “Is there anything else you need for us to be able to reconnect?”

Again, this might not fix things immediately, but at least you’ll know you have done all you could to repair things. Relationships aren’t always perfect, and as imperfect beings, we will occasionally slip up. When this happens, mastering the art of an apology might be the only tool in the box that could help save one of our most valuable assets.