65 with a bullet

THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY

BC PIRES

TODAY IS my birthday and all I’ve got to show for myself after 65 years of this cosmic joke called life is a receding hairline, expanding waistline, infrequent byline and recurring punch line: ten times before today, in “birthday” columns, I’ve repeated that same joke I first made when I was 30 with a bullet.

Here are 65 pieces of wisdom, one from each year I’ve defied death and the odds.

1. Never fart in an elevator. 2. White supremacists will never let go of white supremacy – it’s all they’ve got. 3. Life is hard; and then you die (Johnny Winter). 4. Everyone has a plan – until they get hit (Mike Tyson). 5. Fight the power (Public Enemy). 6. Yeah, well that’s, like, your opinion, man (The Dude, The Big Lebowski). 7. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain (Rutger Hauer in Blade Runner). 8. Coffee and love taste best when hot (Ethiopian proverb). 9. Love hurts (Nazareth, the blues). 10. If you can’t live longer, live deeper.

11. It takes a village to raise a child – by keeping an eye on the priest/pastor/pundit. 12. You’re not rich enough to buy cheap. 13. Nothing exceeds like excess. 14. Check it yourself. 15. Dance like no one’s watching; because everyone watching is really enjoying it. 16. Make sure the toilet flushes before you sit on it. 17. I’m the one that’s got to die, so let me live my life the way I want to (Jimi Hendrix). 18. The better it tastes, the worse it is for you. 19. No such thing as a free lunch. 20. The naked truth can be hard to deal with, past age 65… no, 75… no, 85.

21. Never laugh with Crix in your mouth. 22. However bad the current TT government is, the next one will be worse. 23 Better to stay quiet and let people think you’re a fool than open your mouth and confirm it. 24. Life causes death. 25. Laugh and Cry live in the same house. 26. Everything everywhere all at once (The Two Daniels). 27. The early bird catches the worm but is the second rat does get the cheese (Trini proverb). 28. Everything sucks sometimes. 29. A con man doesn’t say, “Firetruck you,” he says, “Trust me.” 30. Be kind.

31. Religious instruction is child abuse (Denis Solomon). 32. Never touch a tissue near any man’s computer. 33. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light (Stanley Kubrick). 34. Leave the gun; take the cannoli (The Godfather). 35. When you shoot yourself in the foot, you might as well limp. 36. Wherever you go, there you are. 37. Beauty fades; ugly is forever. 38. Time flies. 39. The holier the book, the more egregious the lie. 40. If Adolf Hitler flew in today/They’d send a limousine anyway (The Clash). 40. The rich would eat the poor literally, too.

41. All is firetrucking vanity (the Bible). 42. Be the change you want in the world (Gandhi). 43. Brrrrrrtttt! (Bunji). 44. Vanilla is the finest of the flavours (Barenaked Ladies). 45. We die alone for sure but we can try to live together. 46. It takes all kinds – but apostates and red women are the best. 47. Better an hour early than a minute late. 48. You can only eat one mouthful at a time. 49. God is dead (Nietzsche) but love is all you need (Beatles). 50. Jews are the original minority, Palestine notwithstanding.

51. Never live downwind from a chicken or pig farm. 52. The only person you can change is yourself. 53. You can learn a lot about a person from their ringtone. 54. The louder anyone protests anything – therapy, same-gender sex, Viagra – the more desperately they need it. 55. Anger is a poison you take and hope your enemy dies. 56. Don’t get mad, get even. 57. Love thy neighbour – but don’t let thy spouse find out. 58. Ageing beats dying. 59. Don’t stop believing (Journey); except in God (me). 60. I can handle the despair; it’s the hope I can’t stand (John Cleese in Clockwise).

61. It have nothing as dangerous as a Trini dunce who feel he smart. 62. Enough is as good as a feast. 63. There are worse things than death. 64. Health is wealth. 65. One day I'll have to get a real job.

BC Pires is 65. Even more against the run of play than last year. Firetruck cancer