Win, lose or draw

Linus van Pelt: “Winning isn’t everything, Charlie Brown!”

Charlie Brown: “Yes, but losing isn’t anything!”

Hand on heart, I remember reading this when dinosaurs roamed the earth. It was so long ago I don’t remember how old I was (anywhere from six to 36?) or where I read it (was it in a book, in the newspaper, on a poster?).

But the worst of the unknowns is truly terrible: I didn’t know who said, “Winning isn’t everything.” I could guess. I could counter-guess. Is that a thing? Let’s make it a thing. You know, when you think something and then, in your head, you contradict it and you start your own inner argument.

Linus would have been the first choice because his is always the voice of positive philosophy. But it could have been any other Peanuts character for different aspects of their personalities, most of them with the wisdom of ancient sages – some of them kind, some cruel – but all of them very much… yes, wise, sorry, no better word.

I was never in any doubt about who delivered the response about losing – we will not dwell on what that says about me.

After a little digging, I found out it was Linus who started the conversation. Charles Schultz liked that dialogue so much he used it as a book title. I know Schultz often said he was sort of the real-life Charlie Brown, but I’ve always thought he was more Linus. Maybe Schultz was too modest to admit it.

I went on this “whose line is it?” search because of another line from a very, very different universe.

Always the last to know, as I am wont to be, I only recently found out that once upon a time, the Oscars did a good thing. Is it a good thing? We’ll get back to that.

From its first showing to its 60th, there were winners at the Oscars. Presenters said: “And the winner is…”. That’s how people knew they’d won. With so much ego in the room, it would have been hard to tell otherwise.

In 1989, Allan Carr, the show’s producer, changed the wording to what many of us have come to regard as a sort of verbal drumroll: “And the Oscar goes to…”.

And so it was that people far and wide came to know this phrase. And I love it. I love it for the same reason Mr Carr thought it was a good idea: it took the competitiveness away and became a bestowed honour. A little more grace has fallen over other competitions. It’s not unusual to hear an MVP or singer thank or talk about their colleagues, the others in their game. Some are competitors but some are part of a bigger group that works together.

Once upon a time, I was a bit competitive. That’s code for winning-is-everything. I used to talk to a friend who had a similar affliction, this quest for bestness. For us it wasn’t exactly about winning (the only things I’ve ever won came out of bran tubs) but about doing everything possible to do what we were doing better. Better than expected. Better than had been done before. It was terrible. And depressing.

Kevin’s birthday is tomorrow. You don’t know Kevin, but that is no matter. He was one of the first people in my life to point out the ways in which I was a danger to myself. I was wilful, aggressive, carnivorous, selfish. And I was totally unaware of any of it.

I was also nine years old. Never too early to try to set someone on a better, less fraught path. When other adults pointed out these and other undesirable qualities, that’s all it was: big people telling me I was bad. Kevin told me why these things were bad for me,

My wilful-selfish-aggression was a good base for my obsessive need to beat everyone into submission. Kevin likes teams. He genuinely enjoys the act of working together. I wish I had that in me. I’m working on it. Competition is not unhealthy, at least not until it starts to make you see others as less than you, or as threatening to you. Unless you are in fact at war, what is this threat? Really, what is it? What are we afraid of losing?

That’s why it’s been so important for me to make the long journey from “Losing isn’t anything” to “And the Oscar goes to…” I do not know many gracious people, so I’m happy to know the one I do know.

Play on, all.

Remember to talk to your doctor or therapist if you want to know more about what you read here. In many cases, there’s no single solution or diagnosis to a mental health concern. Many people suffer from more than one condition.