Paedophilia – public apology needed

DR MARGARET NAKHID-CHATOOR

SHE WATCHED the Catholic Mass on the television, as usual seated in her chair by the table. Something was different this time. Her daughter heard the screams and rushed out from the kitchen to see her 82-year-old mother hurling many objects at the television, shouting and rambling on about priests and what they had done to her when she was a child. She sobbed uncontrollably for several minutes.

When they eventually found him after days of searching, their father was lying on the pavement outside a clothing store, more than 50 miles from home. This university-degreed, 52-year-old man appeared disoriented and dishevelled. He did not recognise his sons at first. His abuse was horrific, as he was a travelling companion at 13 years, when the Irish priests went abroad on vacation, to the delight of his parents who saw this as a welcome opportunity for their son, trusting and believing.

Her mother did not listen to her, and instead shouted at her and "beat the crap" out of her when she did not want to go and play by the neighbour next door, who had four children of his own. After all, what harm could a married man with children of his own do? The abuse lasted from seven years until 12 years old, her younger brother also being abused. She became a black belt and had same-sex relationships only, to this day, the 56-year-old related. All she had wanted from her parents were a "listening ear, empathy and comfort" – their turning a blind eye hurt more than the act itself, she recalled. She left Trinidad and never returned, not even for her mother’s funeral, decades later.

Why tell their story now? What are the stories out there that have not been told, but can be seen in frayed relationships, divorce and separation, panic attacks, phobias and nightmares? The memories that continue to haunt; the self-blame and guilt.

Paedophilia is an ongoing sexual attraction to pre-pubertal children and involves sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviours involving sexual activity. There is some evidence that people with paedophilic disorder have a higher rate of childhood trauma, including childhood sexual trauma, than average. Many of them were also sexually abused when they were children.

Paedophilic sexual offenders are usually family, friends, or relatives of their victims. Please note!

Building a culture

of safeguarding

In a recent interview, Pope Francis urged his Pontifical Commission for the Protection of Minors to pursue a “spirituality of reparation” with abuse survivors and to build a culture of safeguarding to prevent priests from raping and molesting children.

This ongoing abuse of children in our society is not new. What is interesting is that older victims are ready to talk about the abuse and to seek help, urged on in many instances by family members. There are the usual excuses by the church that have been made for this heinous and criminal act by:

* Allowing priests/religious leaders to continue working in the church despite knowing that they have been accused of abusing minors.

* Admiring their "spiritual" lives and trivialising the mistakes and sins that were committed.

* Turning a blind eye to the abuse and, in some instances, victim-shaming and blaming.

Where is the safeguarding of our children that needs to be actively pursued? Many of you know about it, you see it – in the sacristy, in the house, on outings; the sexual grooming taking place, yet you say nothing. Why? Because “is priest; is holy men. God will forgive.” While forgiveness is good, it should never compromise our sense of right and wrong.

A few years ago, I was asked to speak on the topic of sexual abuse in the church, at Mt St Benedict. There were a few priests in the audience who had come to hear (monitor?) what I had to say. At that time, Pope Francis had written a lengthy letter on sexual abuse, ushering in more transparency by lifting the rule of pontifical secrecy and I carefully quoted him at every point.

The Catholic News wrote a very small paragraph on the workshop, and that was that. Story done! They addressed it. All their talk on what could and should happen. Nada. Nothing. Case closed!

Let us move the conversation forward now. Enough of the discussions behind closed doors. The public has a right to know what the Church intends to proactively do. It is time.

A public apology is needed

Apologies are meant to facilitate reconciliation and healing. From the pulpit and in all religious circles, people in higher office
must commit to formally apologising to victim-survivors of child sexual abuse. Let this public apology start in the churches and in the schools. Public awareness of the issue is important, so that needed discussions can be held with children
before abuse occurs.

The apology must include a recognition of the harm that children have suffered and a closure for the many adults who continue to suffer from the effects of this traumatic incident. Not all survivors of trauma may be interested in apologies that come too late, but it is a necessary first step.

A simple “I am sorry” will not suffice. Survivors of childhood abuse must expect and welcome well-considered and profound apologies that reflect a depth of understanding and feeling proportional to the damage that was done to them.

Which church will start the healing?

Which government and religious leader will bring needed closure to the many adults and children who still suffer and continue to suffer from sexual abuse by paedophiles?

It is time to do this. Now.

Dr Margaret Nakhid-Chatoor is a psychologist and educator