When young adults cannot be adult

ADOLESCENCE IS the transition between childhood and adulthood. At onset, children begin the processes of puberty, followed by undulating emotional, social and physical changes. At the end, some time ten years later, should emerge a fully functioning and independent adult.

In our culture, what are the characteristics of adulthood? Is it ending school and entering the workforce?

Living independently of parents and financially supporting oneself? Starting a family? Or is it making major purchases such as a home or car?

For many, the definition of an “adult” is vague and can include a few, many or just one of the prior concepts.

It is perhaps easier to identify when someone does not meet the definition of adulthood, otherwise called failure to launch.

Functioning adults are able to execute well-developed functions including self-management, goal-setting and actualisation.

They are able to establish what they want and then use the resources around them as well as their own skills to fulfil their dreams.

Adults are also capable of making and maintaining stable relationships, both intimately and in their living or working spaces.

Ultimately, adults are interested and capable of contributing to their community, thereby supporting a new generation of growth of society. In order to do these things, many functions and capacities must develop.

These take time, experience and nurturing. Many years of trial and error are required with the support and coaching from parents or mentors.

When these skills do not evolve effectively or if a young adult continues to struggle or demonstrate less mature behaviours, they are considered to have failed to launch.

While there is no single clear-cut definition of the concept, it includes young adults who by age 25 seem unable to manage emotions, make good decisions or problem-solve.

They depend on others to navigate life for them or are unable to sustainably manage themselves.

Young adults who cannot “adult” often end up in a cycle of drama and damage and end up returning home to live with their parents or primary providers.

The questions are many. How does this happen? Is it poor parenting technique? Is it holistic developmental delay? Is it simply unfortunate luck?

Failure to launch is multifactorial. On the individual level, some young people are not ready to manage themselves, due to fear, cognitive immaturity or lack of experience in self-management skills.

Teenagers who become accustomed to having their lives micromanaged are unwilling to make an effort for either fear or failure or fear itself.

Undiagnosed or undertreated mental health concerns or developmental disorders, including ADHD, can also lead to this phenomenon.

In addition, unresolved grief or ongoing trauma are frequent causes.

Some young people fall into patterns of parental dependence because they do not think they need to do otherwise.

While supportive and providing parents are not to be discouraged, there must come a time when young people are provided opportunities to make decisions and stand on their own feet.

When carers continually swoop in and perform these tasks, some youth do not believe they are required to do anything. While to observers this can be considered “laziness,” it is more so a pattern of comfort that develops when no other option has ever been presented.

All factors considered, change is possible. The power of positive youth development lies in the belief that young people will rise to the expectations and opportunities presented to them.

As challenging as it is for parents, when youth enter their twenties, they simply must be allowed to make decisions, take calculated risks and follow through on outcomes.

Difficult times and unintended errors will occur. These all serve to instruct them for the future.

It all begins with the recognition that “non-adulting” adults who are capable of functioning are created and not born. Those with bonafide developmental and medical challenges must be managed uniquely.

Apart from that cohort, youth who fail to launch are usually products of their environment and personality traits. None of these are beyond repair.

The first step involves authenticity. Parents and youth need to recognise the patterns that led to the outcome. Next, parents must take slow but consistent steps back and provide opportunities for youth to step forward.

This must all be done while allowing young people to consider what they want for their future, and why. These seemingly simple questions hold the keys to consistent effort and dedication.

When young people have a clear vision as to why they are doing anything, they are more likely to remain on path during challenges.

Support for parents of young adults is not always easy to access, as culturally youth and parents are expected to “just get on with it.”

This is an error. In order to usher in the most fruitful future for ourselves and our youth, we must have open minds and willingness to support those in need, even if they are unaware of their own requirements.