Care for carers

Everyone says they don’t know how you do it.

You are a pillar of strength.

Really, the family just would not be able to survive without you. And then you say that you know everyone is doing the best they can. Anyone else would have done the same thing, it just happened to be you.

If this sounds all too familiar, there’s a good chance you’re taking care of someone in your family. Spouses, siblings and children may fall ill and require attention, but the one we know we are almost certain to have to deal with is the care of our parents.

They get old. That’s what they’re supposed to do. That’s what we hope they will do. We want them to be around to see the grandchildren, to see that we turned out okay despite our misspent youths, to enjoy their retirement and do all the things they didn’t do because they were taking care of us. We want them around because we love them, and for the luckiest among us, their love is a talisman against all the world’s horrors.

But no matter what that love is like or how desperately we want to be there for them as their bodies and minds let them down, caring for them can become a full-time job. It’s not only physically demanding and time-gobbling, it’s also very emotionally charged. We all handle it differently, if and when this task befalls us.

There are many people who see it is a privilege to be able to be there for their older parents or grandparents. There are also people who will feel it as a burden. I don’t know anyone who is indifferent on the matter. They may exist, but I’ve not met them.

I’m not here to praise or judge. I am here to say that the work – the care – and it should be caring, no matter how you’re processing it, is vital. And thank you for doing it. I don’t think we have to be in the same family to be grateful for the work that caregivers do because it benefits the whole society.

According to the Inter-American Development Bank: “More than eight million older people are dependent on long-term care in Latin America and the Caribbean…Traditionally, this region’s main source of long-term care services has been unpaid, informal help, whether from families or friends. This role is primarily filled by women in families.”

That sounds about right. Yes, there are paid and sometimes specialist caregivers. And yes, there are facilities for the elderly. But we live in a part of the world in which we still – either by choice or lack thereof – often take care of our older folk at home. And it’s often daughters, granddaughters, nieces and other female relatives. Often, not exclusively.

When they can no longer do it for themselves, older people may need to be bathed and fed. They need to be given their medication, taken to doctors’ appointments, taken to all appointments. They may need help going to the bathroom.

All of this is likely difficult for them to accept. And that is the fate of the carer: to have to deal with the emotional adjustments and maladjustments of those they are trying to help. I know older people who express deep gratitude for the help they receive, but they hate every moment of it.

And why wouldn’t they? No one wants to be incapacitated. No one wants to feel like a burden, an encumbrance or even a duty. But carers gotta care. Even when it hurts. Even when the person they’re trying to help is bitter or angry or, in terrible situations, downright mean. And some have to do the caring when it’s not just the older person’s body that has given up but also their mind.

Carers have to take care of themselves, yes. Easier said than done, also yes. So those of us who can need to keep an eye on them. Do they need a break and can we help with that? Do they need extra help when going to appointments? Do they need someone to talk to?

“Overwhelmed” is one of the words you’ll come across a lot if you start reading about how caregivers feel. You may not be able to shift the magnitude of their work, but they can and deserve to be given support. They need time for themselves, for their own physical and mental wellbeing. They need exercise and relaxation.

Maybe they need help coming up with a plan for what happens if they have to stop being the care giver. Maybe you are next in line.

Remember to talk to your doctor or therapist if you want to know more about what you read here. In many cases, there’s no single solution or diagnosis to a mental health concern. Many people suffer from more than one condition.