Too soon to love again?

Kanisa George

So your relationship has come to an end. You're emotionally distraught, heartbroken or maybe relieved and excited to start anew. Whatever you feel at the end of a failed romantic pursuit, the most obvious question to consider is: what next?

Emotionally unpacking the baggage of a previous relationship, followed by focused recalibration, shapes our perspective and empowers us to chart the way forward. As uncomfortable as it can be, this approach might be the perfect starting point, as it allows us to refocus and start afresh in a neutral position.

It is, however, only sometimes a welcomed concept. Try as we might, processing our emotions after the end of a relationship is hard work, and naturally, we are desperate for something that makes us feel good. Moreover, the obvious void we experience, particularly the lack of human interaction brought on by a relationship's demise, can sometimes spark a great desire to fill it. And how else is that achieved other than by engaging in social interactions that satisfy those needs?

On the heels of one relationship ending, we dive feelings-first into a new relationship without fully addressing the issues of the past break-up. Instead, what we do in some cases is bounce back or rebound from the previous fallout. According to researchers, a rebound partner is usually considered a transitional mate or a stepping stone on the way to a more legitimate relationship.

The rebound relationship model is an almost expected reality in the relationship context, as it provides exactly what we are starved of when a relationship ends. In some cases, a rebound relationship offers a mechanism through which the suffering party can potentially have their emotional, social and physical needs met.

Relationship dissolution is often one of the most distressing events an individual can experience (Frazier & Hurliman, 2001) and is typically upsetting even for the initiator. Yet, when this happens, we desperately search for ways to feel whole again, and a new relationship can be a useful mechanism.

Dr Jenn Mann views a rebound relationship as a reactionary relationship inspired by the unhealed wounds of a previous one. Unfortunately, these romantic relationships are usually tainted by unresolved issues, pain, and grief from one or more previous romantic liaison.

As popular as this dating model is, it might astonish you that the vast majority of people find themselves entangled in rebound relationships unconsciously. Notwithstanding those who intentionally approach a rebound affair, the undeniable need to experience human connection is the driving force behind this endeavour.

People use rebound relationships as a coping strategy or to distract themselves from painful feelings and essentially acts as a way to divert attention from these negative emotions.

This is especially common among people who have been in long-term relationships or have been blind-sighted by the relationship's demise. The trauma and anguish in the aftermath of a break-up can spark the desperate need to regain the "lost relationship status" and help individuals take control of the narrative. Research shows that social rejection motivates people to establish social connections with new potential partners, which assists in reaffirming one's self-worth and confidence.

For any relationship to have any chance at success, each party must be in the right headspace to properly commit and accept the highs and lows inherent in a relationship.

When one or both parties to a current relationship are still contending with issues that plagued a previous relationship or are hung up on the fallout, it's difficult for a firm foundation to take root.

In her experience as a clinical social worker, Micaela Stein found that rebound relationships are typically short-lived, usually lasting between one month and a year, and commonly struggle to last past the initial infatuation period. Relationships of this nature can also affect your awareness and can cause mental-health issues, especially when demons from your past relationships are unleashed.

Because these relationships often are based on something other than deep compatibility, differences can strain and cause fault lines.

What often throws this narrative for a loop is when one party is committed to the relationship without realising, they are merely a rebound. Initially, this might be difficult to uncover, but if you have a nagging feeling that you're being used or where very little time has passed between your partner's last relationship and yours, you might be in a rebound relationship.

Also, be mindful of relationships based significantly on physical attraction. Relationships of this nature can invariably be problematic as it focuses solely on sexual desirability rather than emotional connections. One writer believes there is a direct correlation between how much talk-time, energy, and focus someone has on their ex and how over them they are.

Praising the rebound model is difficult as it often entails persons falling for the fantasised version of a relationship. Still, even with all the uncertainty surrounding these relationships, they surprisingly sometimes work. And some couples go on to have committed long-term relationships arising out of what might have started as a rebound relationship.

One writer posited that moving quickly into a new partnership doesn't always mean "a rebound", and it can mean "a speedy recovery."

The findings of a study – Too fast, too soon? – show that rebound relationships may be more beneficial than typically believed. The study also proffered that there wasn't enough research to definitively say whether such relationships are necessarily "misguided" in how they are portrayed in popular culture. Astonishingly, the findings from this study suggest that people who had rapidly entered a new rebound relationship were not necessarily any worse off than those who waited longer to get involved.

In fact, they appear to be better functioning. These results illustrate that finding a new partner has benefits over remaining single following a break-up and that beginning a new relationship quickly after a break-up seemed to have positive consequences.

Interestingly, the study also found that people who started a new relationship quickly had higher well-being and a better opinion of themselves than those who waited longer to begin their subsequent relationship. Overall, this study suggests that the negative implications of rebounding could be a figment of our collective imagination and more beneficial to our well-being than damaging.

We navigate failed relationships and messy divorces with the understanding that time heals all wounds; that time between relationships emotionally prepares us for the next. And yet, instead of allowing our grief to run its course, perhaps, there is merit in clinging to a new relationship as a form of freedom and emotional respite.