Sorry is not the hardest word

I’m out of my depth here – I want to be clear about that right up front.

I’m a big believer in saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry for pretty much everything. And if you suffer from world-sadness, world-weariness or just “world,” feeling sorry for things can become your default setting.

The out-of-my-depthness comes from being really good at offering apologies, but an abject failure at accepting them.

The easy explanation is that I am an unforgiving pig.

But what would be the fun of turning myself inside out to explain how I feel if I went for the easy landing?

I’m beginning to wonder if this is a bit like being a person who loves giving presents but is entirely ungracious when someone gives them one. Maybe it’s a little bit like that, but with sharper teeth.

A true and meaningful apology is a rare thing these days. Even a casual and hardly-felt one is not overly common. The currency of both word and sentiment has been eroded to the point that it feels like a stand-in for: “Can we just move on?”

Often wrong, invariably wrong, it’s my fault, somehow I had something to do with this – these are phrases I ascribe to myself with great regularity.

And I mean it. I feel the soul-twisting wretchedness of my transgression. And I want to make it right. If I offended someone, I desperately want to make it right – to explain myself, to make sure they know I understand what I did, and to begin the long trek to fixing what I broke.

And this holds true for all the other things I manage to mangle. I’m sorry I didn’t do more for someone who needed my help. Sorry I hurt your feelings. Sorry I did aught that inconvenienced you. I am, truly, deeply sorry. I’m here and I want to do right by you.

Out there in the world beyond me, there are people who acknowledge that they have hurt you. They may even go so far as to say something bold like, “I know I hurt you.”

And then they carry on as if nothing happened. They – as incredible as it is to creatures like me – have already forgiven themselves, and so assume the injured party has done likewise. There is nothing they have to work at or for.

I look upon this and marvel. Who are these people, and how did they get to be like this?

And is it ok? If it’s not ok, why do we let them keep doing it?

And if I still feel hurt, am I now in the wrong because I didn’t feel like we’d resolved anything?

Why, it’s enough to make a person think an apology is a type of embarrassment. Which is most definitely not the case. Because that makes no sense. A solid apology is a noble and decent and essential thing. It is, at the very least, the acceptance of responsibility for having done something that has wounded or inconvenienced another.

Wait, hang on, I’m starting to understand. Oh, look, once again, misplaced pride.

We need to be able to acknowledge when we are wrong, stupid, insensitive, unseeing, careless. But how can we ever see anything beyond these walls and monuments of pride we insist on standing behind?

Leaders of countries, religions, communities, industry, I need you to step forward now. You’re not the only ones who wouldn’t know a sincere apology if you coughed up one like you were choking on it, but you do, truly set the worst examples. If you make light of our opinions and needs, if you disregard our fear and beliefs and rights, if you steal our money and our potential, you need to be sorry. And you need to apologise.

What’s more, you need – we all need – to apologise with real sincerity.

That’s the thing that comes in the understanding package. It’s the thing that makes the sorry hold. And it takes work.

The admission of wrong does not, has never, made you look small. Quite the opposite. But there must be follow-through. Without that, without the effort, it’s empty.

Some people are willing to say they are sorry, but they cannot act on it. There is no real willingness to begin repairing the damage.

Is that pride again, or is it that there’s nothing real behind the words?

If it’s either of those, don’t say it at all. Don’t say it until you’re ready to make it mean something to those you’ve hurt.

That’s when the healing starts.

Remember to talk to your doctor or therapist if you want to know more about what you read here. In many cases, there’s no single solution or diagnosis to a mental health concern. Many people suffer from more than one condition.