The fear of confrontation

Why are we afraid to speak up? I mean, really, use our words, express our emotions and say how we feel. When a friend says something out of turn or our parents make insensitive comments about our love lives, why do we become silent and fail to express our feelings?

Our inability to properly communicate emotions can easily cause relationships to spiral out of control. Whether it's a simple misunderstanding or a significant difference in opinion, any reservations we harbour that prevent us from saying how we feel are likely to impede the possibility of reconciliation and cause unwanted fault lines in our relationships to develop.

Naturally, we rely on non-verbal cues to inform our views and perspectives when words seem to elude us. After all, Peter Drucker might have been on to something when he said that, "the most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said."

Yet, even when heavy reliance is placed on gestures and facial expressions, the possibility of getting it oh so wrong can be far greater than when we use words.

As much as our emotional state sometimes scares us, tapping into negative and positive emotions is perhaps the only way we can truly understand ourselves and our experiences. And by extension, sharing those emotions openly and effectively allows others to connect with and better understand us.

Still, we notoriously remain reticent. Why might that be?

When we are forced to confront our emotions, we reluctantly come face to face with the monster of vulnerability, and as expected, a certain degree of vulnerability is also present when we openly communicate how we feel to others.

Reluctance to communicate develops in light of vulnerability, for experience has taught us that leaving ourselves exposed can open us up to the possibility of being hurt, misunderstood or judged. Although communicating can foster deeper connections, many are simply too scared to say how they feel.

On the topic of emotions, one blogger wrote that "it is very difficult to organise a nebulous sensation into tidy pockets of meaning."

In short, he theorised that most of us cannot find the words to express our vast emotions, which poses a barrier to connecting with others on an emotional level. Further, sometimes we might experience emotions that we are unable to understand ourselves, making it near impossible to communicate with others. When this happens, we feel choked up, overwhelmed and sometimes left without recourse in the throes of a dispute.

Even when we find the words to express our emotions clearly, the fear of confrontation pushes our feelings to the sidelines. So instead of telling your co-worker that his highly inappropriate "joke" hurt your feelings, you suck it up and convince yourself that you are being overly sensitive.

When we openly communicate, we risk the receiving party feeling threatened, alienated, uncomfortable or wronged. And although the purpose of expressing your emotions is to convey your true feelings and to be as honest and open as possible, it might inevitably lead to confrontation.

No one likes to be called out, and if suppressing our emotions is the price we have to pay for avoiding confrontation or keeping our loved ones happy, many of us are willing to pay it over and over again. The downside to this approach is that this coping mechanism can become permanent after some time, and we become incapable of communicating effectively.

Psychologists warn that by trying to avoid confrontation or avoidance of stressful factors, we are engaging in emotional suppression, which inhibits the brain's emotional response.

No matter how much we try to avoid it, unresolved emotions have a way of breaching the surface and causing far more harm than we anticipated. So, how do we get over ourselves and say how we feel? After all, expressing one's emotions is associated with various positive outcomes, such as increased adjustment to stressors and greater life satisfaction.

Practice inner self-dialogue. So much of who we are and what we feel is internal. When we can reflect internally, sit with our emotions and have an open conversation with ourselves, we become confident to openly discuss with others, even when the words are hard to find.

Have you considered writing or illustrating? Most of us undermine the power of journalling and take for granted the power of our own words, on display in front of us, a physical representation of what we feel internally. If writing's not your thing, researchers suggest drawing or doodling to express negative emotions or ventilate stress. A tool highly recommended by psychologists which can be used to aid open communication is an emotional expression checklist. It allows individuals to reflect on their context before they express how they feel and consider their intended outcomes and the potential impact of expressing themselves on the other person.

We cannot run away from our emotions or expect to live in harmony with others without expressing how we feel. When we are one with our emotions and effectively communicate them to others, we place ourselves in a better position to experience the pleasures inherent in the cathartic release of tension.