How to handle regret

Kanisa George

Imagine being faced with two options. And as much as you employ the often-touted pros-and-cons approach, it is clear that whatever decision you make, discord will result. Then many years later, it becomes apparent that your choice was the wrong one, resulting in periods of turmoil and uncertainty. The choice you made is one plagued by regret and remorse.

Face it; we’ve all been there, and if you haven’t experienced life’s greatest conundrum, darling, doh worry, for as the old people seh, wah ain’t meet yah ain’t pass yah. Life comes and goes, and we muddle through challenges as best as we can, but guess what? None of us is exempt from the face of regret.

Even inertia brings about regret, for in situations where we choose to do nothing, regret inevitably comes in the form of “what if.”

Regret is a demon that none of us welcomes openly, and as far as monsters go, from my experience, it tends to top the list. And it is by this logic that we do our best to avoid it. Then again, maybe we shouldn’t. Perhaps, when we consider the fullness of life, maybe regret, like all those other uncomfortable notions like death and failure, is an essential life tool. Each run-in with regret may grant us one small slice of respite that adds to our overall development.

Looking back without self-judgment, can we learn this from the very experience of regret?

Regret, according to academic writing, is a negative cognitive or emotional state that involves blaming ourselves for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss or sorrow at what might have been, or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made. When we experience regret, magnetic brain imaging shows increased activity in the amygdala, part of the brain’s limbic system that generates an immediate emotional response to a threat.

Studies have shown that feelings of regret can often lead to physical symptoms such as muscle tension, sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, headaches, muscle pain, joint pain, and chronic stress.

In short, regret interferes with our emotional equilibrium as it questions personal accountability in our decision-making. Yet as much as we despise the effects of regret, it is, conversely, imperative for our development.

As sullen as we might feel when we contemplate the things we lost, regret, once used appropriately, is of significant informational value to motivate corrective action. It’s all about refusing to engage in needless rumination and harnessing those feelings to pivot us in the right direction. Research on this topic shows that regret is a valuable emotion used to navigate our future effectively.

Aidan Feeney, professor of psychology at Queen’s University Belfast, stresses the importance of regret in our emotional development. “It would be a very, very bad idea, I think, to eliminate regrets in your life. It’s one mechanism for learning how to improve your decision-making – a signal that maybe you need to rethink your strategy.”

Professor Feeney’s work also illustrates how the emotions associated with regret are essential for understanding delayed gratification – our ability to put off a small reward now for a greater reward later.

Should I try a new approach?

When we make a terrible decision, or our business venture fails, most, if not all, of us are hell-bent on ensuring it doesn’t happen again. This negative experience provides much needed data that enhances and develops counterfactual thinking. The emotions associated with regret allow us to imagine alternative courses for events that have already happened and the capacity to compare and contrast those different outcomes to determine the preferred option.

The skills developed by the experience of regret give us enough anecdotal evidence which enables us to make informed decisions in the future.

Each decision we make in life, whether it bears positive or negative outcomes, shapes its course. But have you stopped to consider that inaction also determines our path? Numerous studies found that inaction rather than action is the most profound form of regret expressed by subjects in the winter of their lives. One study, titled Regrets of the Typical American, showed that inaction regrets lasted longer than action regrets and that greater loss severity corresponded to more inaction regrets. Most people find themselves in a “what if” state and feel great disappointment for failing to explore the answer.

One writer proffered that regret due to inaction is often harder to swallow because imagined outcomes haunt us. In other words, the perceived gains of the choices you didn’t make seem to outweigh the actual consequences of your actions, so the sting of regret for missed opportunities looms much more in your mind.

So how do we make the best of regret?

One way is by finding ways to process regret constructively. This isn’t always easy to manage, but when we can openly discuss the underlying cause of regret with ourselves, we’ll be one step closer to embracing it and possibly avoiding it later in life. Writer and researcher Daniel Pink recommends practising self-compassion. Instead of beating yourself up with negative talk, Pink suggests identifying the contextual factors that might have pushed you to make the wrong decision and acknowledging that you’re only human and not alone in your pain.

Notably, a study conducted by the University of Texas found that people who cultivate self-compassion tend to recover from stress and sadness more quickly, and – crucially – they are more likely to change their behaviour in the future than those who are self-critical. Essentially, once you have recognised your mistake, forgiving yourself is key.

Following the words of Swiss philosopher Henri-Frédéric Amiel, “Accept life, and you must accept regret." Instead of immersing ourselves in the dark recesses of negative emotions, we should see regret as a teacher trying to tell us something important. Take risks, be brave, and let your heart be your guide every once in a while.